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Central
07-10-2008, 07:40
Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

Dai
07-10-2008, 07:52
I know nothing about you and nothing about your life but I've lived a long time and made a lot of mistakes.

If life has taught me one important lesson it is this:

"You can never go back"

Good luck anyway, however it pans out.

Tinky
07-10-2008, 09:44
Sorry to hear things are not working out for you Central. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do for the best. Perhaps a visit to Relate may help to give you a clearer perspective.

Maggy
07-10-2008, 09:57
I'm old fashioned..I believe in marriage and making it work PARTICULARLY when children are involved.

Are you REALLY sure you don't love your wife or that you have just become bored with your marriage and your life?You need to talk this through BEFORE you commit to another person..there are too many broken families as it is.An old love may seem romantic but first love is just that first love it's not always the love of your life.

I've been married for 34 years..I do love my husband but it's not the first explosive love that we had at the beginning.It's something that has grown into a different love that encompasses a life and children together and a deep loyalty to each other.I do know that boredom can kill a marriage IF you don't watch out..

Try to save yours before throwing it away because there maybe a future where you regret not trying to save yours.

Talk to your wife and go to relate WITH her...Your son needs you.

Stuart
07-10-2008, 10:20
You are, of course, assuming they are married..

As for my own advice? Well, in my experience, the one time I did go back to a relationship (can't remember why I did, but I broke it off in the first place), we were deliriously happy for a year or so, then she started cheating on me.. So, it didn't work out for me.

STONEISLAND
07-10-2008, 10:28
Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

IMO DO NOT go back to the EX. Try and make it work with your current partner.
It will only end up very messy for you and your son.
Can you imagine what it will be like for your son as he grows up not being able to see his Dad?

Please try and make it work, it may be difficult at the moment but I’m sure it will get easier.

For your sons sake. :(

acemanuk
07-10-2008, 10:42
i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

STONEISLAND
07-10-2008, 10:46
i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

You obviously don’t know this forum then. :dozey:

Russ
07-10-2008, 10:48
i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

If you look here (http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/) you will find we have a number of forum areas which cater for just about every topic.

As long as users post within CF's guidelines (as is clearly the case here) then any subject may be discussed.

dilli-theclaw
07-10-2008, 10:48
I would suggest the first thing you do is discuss this with your partner.

It won't be easy but you both need to get things on the table and out in the open.

acemanuk
07-10-2008, 10:49
ahh ok np

Stuart
07-10-2008, 11:21
i thought this forum was suposed to be for computers

Basically, the forum was set up (way back) as a complaint forum for those who felt mistreated by NTL. Then, as demand grew, we added the off topic (or Basement) section which covered non-ntl related subjects (pretty much any including computing). Over time, the complaints reduced (although they are still here) and we actually started helping people with cable problems.

So, in essence, we are still primarily a cable help forum, but people are free to discuss or ask what they want (subject to the forum Terms and conditions).

popper
07-10-2008, 13:00
Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

i think i need to state this, im being impartial here, it doesnt effect me in any way and im not trying to be nasty in any shape or form, you understand that i hope, but....

put simply you bring up your Son as an after thought, and dont consider your role as becoming his main carer.

its also apparent you seem to have already made your mind up to do what YOU want, and are just looking for some reason to impliment it and justify it, you come accross as knowing its wrong deep down to put your son last, and i find it sad that apparently your chemical bond to your first love/partner is stronger than your chemical bond to your son at the moment.

you didnt help deliver him did you?, and so that parent/child chemical bond isnt as strong as it might be if your putting your son against your ex and YOUR feelings, the human condition is a stange and wonderful thing, but putting your chemical bond with your ex up against your sons bond is going to effect your long term mindset, and it appears you need to work on your bonding and strenthening YOUR parent/child connection far more for the long term, no partner should ever be put before your son.....as you did above.

my advice DONT be rash, and see your wish for your ex for what it is, a longing for things long past due to your needs right now, it will never come again, you should have made the most of it at the time, its to late now, your not the same people as you were back then as maggy points out.

notice in all this, i havent talked about your current partner, and thats because she has a part in this, BUT its clear YOUR the one looking to initiate this break and create a new imbalance in your personal long term mental health and long term relationships, be christal clear as to why your doing this, and be aware of your future long term relationships, IT WILL NOT GO THE WAY YOU IMAGINE, and thats a given...,and you might not like the final outcome if you dont think past your current wishes and hopes right now.

unlike most posts above, its clear to me talking to your current partner before you have considered this fantacy you are bulding around your ex/first lover,is a waste of time, one things clear, it will end badly sometime in the future, given she has also been looking to fill that lost chemical bond too, without consideration for all thats taken place since you first split.... and how you have both changed it can only end badly.

but what do i know, im just an old guy thats been there, got the teeshirt, but kept my son at the top of the list in all my choices and we are far better together for it.

if your looking to find justification in what you have already stated and decided you want to to do , im sure there are lots of people that are ready to give you that, im not one of them, think about it a LOT MORE.

if your looking for the scientific reasoning this sums it up rather well.

"whatever bonds one procures throughout life, be it occupational bonds, an objective, a marriage, family, friends, neighbors, etc., as long as the sum of the repulsive qualities perceived in those bonds is overcompensated by the sum of attractive qualities—then those bonds will hold. Whenever repulsion overtakes attraction—the bond will break."
http://www.humanthermodynamics.com/JHT/Human-Chemical-Bond.html

Maggy
07-10-2008, 13:47
You are, of course, assuming they are married..

As for my own advice? Well, in my experience, the one time I did go back to a relationship (can't remember why I did, but I broke it off in the first place), we were deliriously happy for a year or so, then she started cheating on me.. So, it didn't work out for me.

Married or not the issue is making sure his son is happy and in 34 years I have seen enough children damaged by broken families and the bitterness that ensues to know what future problems may be lurking.Even in the most stable of children there will be a great deal of hatred,guilt and distress that may not appear until years later..

Central just be very,very sure that in the short term you don't throw away something really worth keeping.

Stuart
07-10-2008, 14:34
Married or not the issue is making sure his son is happy

V. True.

Halcyon
07-10-2008, 19:14
Hi Central.
I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you lately.

We have nearly all been in situations where things get so bad that any chance to be happy or feel love again we jump at instantly.
The thing I am worried about is that maybe you are jumping to your Ex only to escape the current situation, maybe a little like rebound relationships.

I know that you say that you still love each other and that maybe over time you will end up with her BUT, think as to why you didnt stay with her in the first place ?!
What made you pick your current partner instead ?
These are all questions you need to ask yourself as well as the fact that you have a son.
Are things really bad and have you talked to anyone?
It may be a good idea to go for a counselling session. "Relate" do counselling for couples and I have been finding out about them and they are friendly and helpful.

Ask yourself if after 4 years it is not worth saving things?

If you really do want to be with your Ex, do not rush into things you may regret later on. Take time out to think things through. Even try to get away if you can and have some time to weigh things out.

Good luck.

Central
07-10-2008, 19:30
I been trying so hard for the past year to sort my situation out. Constant talks and the like but nothing ever changes.

My ex dumped me but she has admitted she wished she never had and missed me so much after we split. She wanted to say something for such a long time but never had anyway of contacting me until she found me on facebook the other day.

zing_deleted
07-10-2008, 19:43
IMO if you really do not love your current partner you need to leave her now while your son is young. At 2 years old he will bounce back and adapt to whatever environment he is in. I have experience of this as Bethia was 2 when me and her mum split up. Try to do it amicably and spend as much time as you can with your son and make sure you have access as much as possible.

If you truly do not love your partner and you stay you will resent your son for it in years to come and both you and your partner will not be happy which will have more and more of an impact on your son the older it gets.

alferret
07-10-2008, 21:33
Gotta agree with Zing, if you dont love her leave sooner rather than later and DONT stay together for the sake of your child. End of the day you'll all be un-happy.

Jules
09-10-2008, 13:34
You need to sort out the relationship out that you are in before embarking on a new one, you have to remember that you split from the other lady for a reason.
Is it maybe that you are looking at it through rose tinted glasses and just remembering the good times?

The main thing is to sort out what you are going to do in your currant relationship, once that is done then you can move on.

Saaf_laandon_mo
09-10-2008, 13:52
What annoys me in these situations is that its generally the men who have to walk out on their kids. Why should that be the case? Why are women deemed more qualified or in a better position to bring up their kids than the fathers.

I think a lot of men do stay in unhappy situations because of the fact that they dont want to miss out on seeing their kids grow up. Weekly visits or whatever the judge or parents decide is not the same as seeing your kids grow up and being there for them on a daily basis.

Women can be at fault for their partners falling out of love with them, but it seems nowadays the father is often deemed as being the 'bad' guy for walking out on his kids.

zing_deleted
09-10-2008, 14:01
I see Bethia every weekend and in through the week in holidays except when she is away like now and we have a very close relationship I do not feel like ive missed out . I know I am lucky but it can all work out

kryogenik
09-10-2008, 14:11
If you don't love the lady you're with, you need to leave.
I know from experience, growing up in a house where the parents are at loggerheads makes for one very unhappy childhood. My opinion also is that your son is the important one, only I agree with Zing & Al. Why make three people miserable when you can make three people happier. Just because you're not there doesn't make you any less his father. You wouldn't be the first absent father and certainly won't be the last. Why only weekends? Would you not consider applying for custody? Relationships that have broken down don't have to be this guilt & pain ridden drama - lots of split couples and their kids and new partners get along just fine.

As for the lass on Facebook. She left you once. Just like you're thinking of doing to your present partner - whom you say you don't love..
Doesn't take a brain surgeon to work out the maths.
12 months down the road she may well realise you're not the romantic dream she has been thinking about all these years and then you'll be on your own again.
My advice - leave if you don't love her, but stay single for a while. It helps, trust me.

tweetypie/8
10-10-2008, 12:37
I'm old fashioned..I believe in marriage and making it work PARTICULARLY when children are involved.

Are you REALLY sure you don't love your wife or that you have just become bored with your marriage and your life?You need to talk this through BEFORE you commit to another person..there are too many broken families as it is.An old love may seem romantic but first love is just that first love it's not always the love of your life.

I've been married for 34 years..I do love my husband but it's not the first explosive love that we had at the beginning.It's something that has grown into a different love that encompasses a life and children together and a deep loyalty to each other.I do know that boredom can kill a marriage IF you don't watch out..

Try to save yours before throwing it away because there maybe a future where you regret not trying to save yours.

Talk to your wife and go to relate WITH her...Your son needs you.

good advice maggy.:tu:

Mr_love_monkey
10-10-2008, 12:58
I'm not entirely sure discussing this on an open forum is the best idea? - unless you are hoping to get caught, and for the decision to be made for you?

You need to think long and hard about what you want to do, and not make any quick decisions based on how you are currently feeling - when things go off in a marriage/relationship, or becomes boring, it's very easy to start looking around thinking that maybe you would be better off somewhere else.

As others have said, your son is very important in this matter, and any decision you make will affect him - and sadly, if you do go, I think you will miss out on being with your son - I know things worked out well for Zingle (as much as these things can) but I think that's the exception rather than the rule. I know that if I left my wife, I would miss out an incredible amount - even if the split is amicable - because you're going to miss out just because you won't be there as much as you are now

Chris
10-10-2008, 13:20
Nearly in tears here

Been with my partner for just under 4 years now. We have one son aged 2. Over the past year or so I have slowly stopped loving my partner. We hardly sleep together anymore.


Now my ex from 5 years ago tonight contacted me and we started to talk and deep in the conversation we both admitted we still love each other. She was my first partner and who I lost my Virginity to. She means alot to me.

I wanna get back with her and she is eager to. I love her so much still.

The clincher here is my son. I dont know what to do. Do i stay with a woman I no longer love to be with my son or be with the love of my life and see him weekends?

I am so upset here

If you do go back to your ex, sooner or later that will fall apart too. Because it seems you don't actually know what love is. There is a lot more to love than the exciting, tummy-tingling sensations that come with a new relationship. You shouldn't be surprised when those sensations subside, nor should you be disappointed. What can come next, if you work at it, is so much deeper and more satisfying.

You are much better staying where you are, taking an honest look at yourself and discovering why you feel the way you do, and deciding what you're going to do to deepen your relationship with your partner - for the sake of the three of you. Get some help from an organisation like Relate, and stop looking for strangers on an internet forum to validate the decision I fear you may already have made in your heart, even if you're not ready to admit it aloud yet ....

Osem
10-10-2008, 13:57
I'm old fashioned..I believe in marriage and making it work PARTICULARLY when children are involved.

Are you REALLY sure you don't love your wife or that you have just become bored with your marriage and your life?You need to talk this through BEFORE you commit to another person..there are too many broken families as it is.An old love may seem romantic but first love is just that first love it's not always the love of your life.

I've been married for 34 years..I do love my husband but it's not the first explosive love that we had at the beginning.It's something that has grown into a different love that encompasses a life and children together and a deep loyalty to each other.I do know that boredom can kill a marriage IF you don't watch out..

Try to save yours before throwing it away because there maybe a future where you regret not trying to save yours.

Talk to your wife and go to relate WITH her...Your son needs you.

Good advice - love changes over time and relationships always have their ups and downs, some of which may seem to last for a long time. Especially where kids are involved it's always worth going the extra mile and counselling can help (and I say this as someone who used to be a huge sceptic). Getting to the root of what's causing the problem is essential as is the willingness of both parties to be honest and prepared to accept criticism.

Best of luck !!

---------- Post added at 12:57 ---------- Previous post was at 12:56 ----------

What annoys me in these situations is that its generally the men who have to walk out on their kids. Why should that be the case? Why are women deemed more qualified or in a better position to bring up their kids than the fathers.

I think a lot of men do stay in unhappy situations because of the fact that they dont want to miss out on seeing their kids grow up. Weekly visits or whatever the judge or parents decide is not the same as seeing your kids grow up and being there for them on a daily basis.

Women can be at fault for their partners falling out of love with them, but it seems nowadays the father is often deemed as being the 'bad' guy for walking out on his kids.

Well said :tu:

Mr_love_monkey
10-10-2008, 14:10
Women can be at fault for their partners falling out of love with them, but it seems nowadays the father is often deemed as being the 'bad' guy for walking out on his kids.

Sadly, all too often kids are used as a weapon by one parent against the other in relationship breakups - this is usually done by women, simply because (for whatever reason) kids are usually left with the mother - I'm sure if kids were left with fathers men would do exactly the same thing - as when a relationship breaks up, usually one side wants to hurt the other and using kids for that is a nice simple and effective way to do it.

Osem
10-10-2008, 14:12
Sadly, all too often kids are used as a weapon by one parent against the other in relationship breakups - this is usually done by women, simply because (for whatever reason) kids are usually left with the mother - I'm sure if kids were left with fathers men would do exactly the same thing - as when a relationship breaks up, usually one side wants to hurt the other and using kids for that is a nice simple and effective way to do it.

The reason that happens is because family law is heavily weighted against men but you're right to say that if more men got custody they'd probably be just as selfish.

Mr_love_monkey
10-10-2008, 14:14
The reason that happens is because family law is heavily weighted against men

Yeah, I know that - but there are also other reasons for it, ignoring the law