View Full Version : favourite quotes
What your favourite's quote's?
What your favourite's quote's?
I have quite a few, so have attempted to divide them in to categories. First: computers & technology.
MacIntosh: Computer with training wheels you can't remove.
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 meters/second squared.
Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
-- Seymore Cray, on virtual memory.
For evil to triumph it is only necessary for good men to buy Microsoft.
Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label on a Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web, when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another computer, another word processor, or another network.
-- Tim Berners-Lee, Technology Review, July 1996
Give a luser a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a luser to fish and he'll bug you for life:
My bait's not working, but I haven't changed anything!
The river's gone down. Fix it!
Why is the net so slow today?
-- Malcolm Ray
I keep on getting my line caught on myself - why is it so hard to fish ?
Can I surf the river ?
I fell in the river and now I'm all wet - fix things so that I don't get wet when I fall in
Why can't the fish just jump out of the river into my frying pan ? It would make fishing so much easier
What is a fish ?
I can't fish (which could be anything from not having a fishing rod to using a brick for bait).
-- Simes
Light a fire for a luser and he'll be warm for a night; set a luser on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-- fun
Pete Krawczyk wrote :
> *sigh* Oh, how I wish lusers could read documentation more than they > read porn...
That's IT! PORNOGRAPHIC DOCUMENTATION!
...and as she finally reached orgasm, she screamed 'the mail server will be down for three hours tonight! Yes! Oh, yes!'
-- J.D. Falk
Another effective [debugging] technique is to explain your code to someone else. This will often cause you to explain the bug to yourself. Sometimes it takes no more than a few sentences, followed by an embarrassed "Never mind. I see what's wrong. Sorry to bother you." This works remarkably well; you can even use non-programmers as listeners. One university computer center kept a teddy bear near the help desk. Students with mysterious bugs were required to explain them to the bear before they could speak to a human counselor.
-- From "The Practice Programming" by Brian W Kernighan & Rob Pike
Computing is a terminal condition.
The only secure computer is one that is turned off, locked in a safe and buried 20 feet down in a secret location, and I'm not completely confident of that either.
-- Bruce Schneier
I am logged in, therefore I am.
The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?
When a filesystem no longer needs to be mounted, it can be unmounted with umount.*
*It should of course be unmount, but the n mysteriously disappeared in the 70's, and hasn't been seen since. Please return it to Bell Labs, NJ, if you find it.
-- From Linux System Administrators' Guide
Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately, they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming.
-- Simon Slavin in asr
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common computer protocol occurred in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea...
-- Tom Galloway
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.
A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonald's Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.
PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
-- The Usenet oracle
piracy is copying.
So 18th century pirates just boarded your ship, copied everything, and left?
-- Anonymous Coward on Slashdot.org (2002-04-29)
Thus continueth the cycle:
1. A few people pirate software/music.
2. Corporations get p****d at piracy.
3. Corporation spends millions on development of an anti-piracy scheme.
4. Corporation has to raise prices to compensate.
5. Scheme gets cracked within DAYS of release.
6. More people pirate because prices are higher.
7. Goto 1.
-- Desco (2001-10-19)
I know that there is a world outside. People put pictures of it on the Internet.
Q. how many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here?
If there were no electricity, we'd all be Ohmless
I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
-- Douglas Adams. The Salmon of Doubt. 2002.
We don't manage our time as well as we manage our space. There's an overhead of starting and an overhead of stopping a project because you kind of lose your momentum. And you've got to bracket and put aside all the things you're already doing. So you need reasonably large blocks of uninterrupted time if you're going to be successful at doing some of these things. That's why hackers tend to stay up late. If you stay up late and you have another hour of work to do, you can just stay up another hour later without running into a wall and having to stop. Whereas it might take three or four hours if you start over, you might finish if you just work that extra hour. If you're a morning person, the day always intrudes a fixed amount of time in the future. So it's much less efficient. Which is why I think computer people tend to be night people -because a machine doesn't get sleepy.
-- B. Joy
User Error: Replace user and press any key to continue.
The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.
-- Andrew Brown
There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS.
-- B.O.F.H. [Anke Bodzin]
I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code!
I only use my computer on days of the week that end in y.
A Hacker is any person who derives joy from discovering ways to circumvent limitations.
-- Bob Bickford, rab
What's that thing?
Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four.
-- Jeff McNelly, "Shoe"
A netnews signature file:
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT for so long. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.
Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here
I believe in computer dating, but only if the computers are truly in love.
-- Groucho Marx
Logic designers don't have orgasms--they have nandgasms with inverted gates
Computer Analyst: "Now lie down and tell me about your motherboard...."
First they came for the hackers. But I never did anything illegal with my computer, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the pornographers. But I thought there was too much smut on the Internet anyway, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the anonymous remailers. But a lot of nasty stuff gets sent from anon.penet.fi, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the encryption users. But I could never figure out how to work PGP anyway, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for me. And by that time there was no one left to speak up.
-- Alara Rogers, Aleph Press
You won't have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he'll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I've seen this happen.
Me: Eww. Victoria Secret's Models... They're so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!
Geek Guy: ooooooo...
Me: Hey! *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: What?
Me: Never mind...
-- pipedreamergrey from geeksaresexy on livejournal
I once dreamed of having Lightwave. I finally got to open it up once as a cover cd demo of some magazine. I took one look at the screen and hid under my bed.
-- rotcorp
8 bits--byte, 4 bits--nybble, 2 bits--shave and a haircut
We all live in a yellow subroutine
The email of the species is deadlier than the mail
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to Basic; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Edsger Dijkstra
The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry.
-- Henry Petroski
< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.
I think that one is quality.:)
Use an apostrophe when letters are missing (http://www.dreaded-apostrophe.com/) ;)
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
-- Plato (427-347 B.C.)
Isn't it ironic that the previous generation defined themselves in terms of rebellion against authority, and now that they're in charge, all they do is give people reasons to want to rebel against authority.
-- posted on Slashdot
It is true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless buckets of slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the entire profession by a few hundred-thousand bad apples.
-- James D. Gordon III, The Washington Post
I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars.
-- Abbie Hoffman
The second was a lesson I received in group dynamics from my high school theater group's director, a guy named Lou. About a hundred of us kids had gathered together in the gym, doing warmup exercises. Lou got up and introduced a new exercise. We were going to count up from one to ten, slowly adjusting our attitude and appearance from utter dejection to triumphant at ten. One... we were slumped over and suicidal. Two... we straighted a little... Three... perhaps I shall not hang myself today. And so on to a hearty, confident, triumphant roar of TEN! "TEN!" shouted Lou. "TEN!!" we yelled back. "SEIG HEIL!" shouted Lou. "SEIG HEIL!!" we roared. "SEIG HEIL!!! SEIG HEIL!!! SEIG..."
Lou clapped his hands sharply for attention. He looked at us for a long moment. "Never forget," he said softly, "how easy it was for one man to make you do that."
I never will.
-- Bill Sheehan
I used to be an idealist, but then I got mugged by reality.
Lately, the only thing that keeps me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.
-- Dilbert
The problem with America is stupidity, I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
-- Albert Einstein
I don't want power. I just object to idiots having power over me.
-- Cordelia, Barrayar, Lois McMaster Bujold
In a society in which it is a mortal offense to be different from your neighbors your only escape is never to let them find out.
-- Maureen Johnson in To Sail Beyond the Sunset, Robert A. Heinlein
I've tried everything else to convince you. Now I'm going to be sensible.
-- unnamed Congressman
Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject to the regulation of conscience.
-- Adam Smith
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben
...[T]he lesson [comic books] taught children - or this child, at any rate - was perhaps the unintentionally radical truth that exceptionality was the greatest and most heroic of values; that those who were unlike the crowd were to be treasured the most lovingly; and that this exceptionality was a treasure so great that it had to be concealed, in ordinary life, beneath what the comic books called a 'secret identity'.
-- Salman Rushdie
How come you never see a politician laugh? Because they know what they're getting away with, and if they started laughing, they'd never stop
If people were required to know the law rather than to obey it, the government would be overthrown the next day
It gets real lonely as a moderate activist, standing alone with a sign that reads, "Reasonable informed discussion of the issues as soon as feasible"
Legalize freedom.
Misanthropology: the study of why people are so stupid and why most of them should die, SOON!
Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been Spanish.
Terrorism: deadly violence against humans and other living things, usually conducted by government against its own people.
-- Edward Abbey
Terrorist, n.: An individual who behaves like a government.
There's always the temptation to let other people think you're normal
To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-- E. E. Cummings (1894-1963)
I hold that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical world.
-- Thomas Jefferson
The right to be let alone is the most comprehensive of rights and the right most valued in civilized man.
-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
Commandment Number One of any truly civilized society is this: Let people be different.
-- David Grayson
Can you keep as much as half of your salary after taxes? Be sure that jackbooted thugs won't invade your home? Operate a car - let alone a handgun - without some bureaucrat's permission? No? Not much of a "free country", is it?
One should respect public opinion insofar as it is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
-- Bertrand Russell
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal - they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring.
-- J. Kegler
Anyone who thinks that they live in a nation that's immune to becoming the next "Nazi Germany" is an idiot. Given a little economic distress, a little misplaced pride and a need to place blame, it can happen anywhere, anytime, to any people.
-- S. John Ross
If they were laws of nature, you wouldn't need to create a legal system to support them: gravity and thermodynamics work without any help from the government.
-- Vicki Rosenzweig
what is considered "left-wing" in America is considered "right wing" in most of Europe. What is considered "right wing" in America is considered foaming-at-the-mouth-dangerous-lunatic-with-toothbrush-moustache on this side of the Great Undrinkable.
-- Charlie Stross
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
Government's view of the economy should be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
-- Bertrand Russell
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true
-- Mark Twain
The most thoroughly and relentlessly Damned, banned, excluded, condemned, forbidden, ostracized, ignored, suppressed, repressed, robbed, brutalized and defamed of all Damned things is the individual human being. The social engineers, statisticians, psychologists, sociologists, market researchers, landlords, bureaucrats, captains of industry, bankers, governors, commissars, kings and presidents are perpetually forcing this Damned Thing into carefully prepared blueprints and perpetually irritated that the Damned Thing will not fit into the slot assigned to it. The theologians call it a sinner and try to reform it. The governor calls it a criminal and tries to punish it. The psychotherapist calls it a neurotic and tries to cure it. Still, the Damned Thing will not fit into their slots.
-- Robert Anton Wilson
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
-- Jean Kerr
I was born weird - this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma
When England was a kingdom, we had a king. When we were an empire, we had an emperor. Now we're a country ... and we have Margaret Thatcher.
-- Kenny Everett
greencreeper
27-08-2007, 07:07
See my signature :)
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
Religious leaders have often ranted and railed against certain sexual practices, from masturbation and oral sex to homosexuality, as though these were the handiwork of the devil. But what if God feels more honored when a person joyfully masturbates as opposed to saying a speedy rosary or spending an obligatory hour in church. After all, God created orgasm, while prayers and churches are the creations of men. What if God receives more joy when an unmarried couple lovingly shares oral sex than when a church-going husband and wife have passionless, missionary position intercourse? And who is to say that God hasn't created a group of homosexual angels to guard the gates of heaven? Maybe God has a sense of humor and brings out the queer angels whenever a redneck preacher or one of his intolerant parishioners has just died and is awaiting judgment.
-- from The Guide to Getting it On
Keep the company of those who seek the truth, and run from those who have found it.
-- Vaclav Havel
You can believe anything you want. The universe is not obliged to keep a straight face.
-- Solomon Short
The Bible is such a gargantuan collection of conflicting values that anyone can "prove" anything from it.
-- Dr. Jacob Burroughs in The Number of the Beast, Robert A. Heinlein
It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so, and will follow it by suppressing opposition, subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young, and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics.
-- Postscript to Revolt in 2100, Robert A. Heinlein
Everything that the human race has done and thought is concerned with the satisfaction of deeply felt needs and the assuagement of pain. One has to keep this constantly in mind if one wishes to understand spiritual movements and their developments.
-- Albert Einstein, New York Times Magazine, November 9, 1930
Can the mind of man, which has, as I fully believe, been developed from a mind as low as that possessed by the lowest animal, be trusted when it draws such grand conclusions?
-- Charles Darwin, On the origin of religion
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
Thousands of years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.
It's your hell. You burn in it!
667, the neighbor of the beast!
The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.
-- Muhammad
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
JWs: If we were to tell you that there is an army of angels waiting in Heaven, and on the Day of Judgement they will be unleashed upon the world to slay all the unbelievers, what would your response be?
Response: Preemptive nuclear strike.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-- Terry Pratchett
The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life.
-- Bertrand Russell
The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
-- Krishnamurti
If God doesn't like the way I live, let Him tell me, not you.
Liberal Christian: One who likes Jesus' words and doesn't care who said them.
Conservative Christian: One who cares deeply who Jesus is and ignores his words.
As soon as you are willing to discard observational data because it conflicts with religion, you are giving up any hope of ever really understanding the universe. As soon as you pick religion as the touchstone of reality, then we have to start discussing how one can demonstrate the correctness of one religion over another when different *religions* disagree.
-- Wilson Heydt
The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars. Verily, the learned men are the heirs of the Prophets.
-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad
2 x 4 x 666 The Lumber of the Beast
A cult is a religion with no political power.
The only people on earth who do not see Christ and His teachings as nonviolent are Christians.
-- Mohandas Gandhi
Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane - like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and invented hell - mouths mercy and invented hell - mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him!
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Mysterious Stranger
There are two ways of teaching people:
You can teach them how to think,
or you can teach them what to think.
Socrates taught people how to think,
Jesus taught people what to think....
and look what happened to them.
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.
Sarge, is it man's nature to be evil, or are we essentially good, and corrupted by desire?
Good Question, Smitty. PLA-TOON, TEN-HUT! On command, you will consider this question! PLA-TOON! PON- (wait for it!) DER!
-- The men of the 3257th Philosophy Battalion (the Descartes Demons), Douglas E. Berry
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
-- Epicurus, 350-?270 BC
God says do what you wish, but make the wrong choice and you will be tortured for eternity in hell. That, sir, is not free will. It would be akin to a man telling his girlfriend, "Do what you wish, but if you choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains out." When a man says this we call him a psychopath and cry out for his imprisonment/execution. When a god says the same we call him "loving" and build churches in his honor.
-- William C. Easttom II
I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Science: The theory can't be valid because the evidence contradicts it.
Dogmatism: The evidence can't be valid because it contradicts the theory.
-- Beverly Erlebacher
I will strive to be godlike. I will start by condemning my enemies to an eternal hell.
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
-- Bruce Lee
We are all athiests really. I just believe in one less god than you do. When you understand why you don't believe in all the other gods you will understand why I don't believe in yours.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
(I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.)
deifenestration - to throw all talk of God out the window
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
-- William Arthur Ward
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
-Albert Einstein
Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can't see them.
-- Steve Eley
I think not, said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.
It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others.
-- Joseph Addison
£80 for pulling the dents out of my car's bonnet.
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is your list of girls who were naughty.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
I couldn't help myself. They were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them! Then she started screaming "MY EYES!, MY EYES!" and ruined the mood.
Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl.
-- Bruce Raeburn.
Cleavage (n): something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.
-- W. Garnett.
Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid. Think about it.
-- Marshall McLuhan
I'm also starting to believe that men are more in touch with the realities of commitment, and that's why they (for the most part, or the ones I know) avoid making them. My experience with women shows me that they candy-coat the reality of co-habitation.
-- JadeSyren
The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
-- Barbara C. Kroll, Kennett Square, PA
Finding out how a woman feels about you is like calculating the spin on a particle! The very act of doing this will alter the particle in ways you cannot predict!
-- Bob Igo
They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
-- Mitch Hedberg
Weird theory #47: Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.
Opposites can attract, as in magnetism. Or explode, as in matter and antimatter.
-- David, Peter
Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: High maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance But you think you're low maintenance!
-- From the movie When Harry Met Sally
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, but another kept reminding me, Howard, you are a veterinarian.
-- Dick Wilson
Women should be obscene and not heard.
-- Groucho Marx
G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_
Don't worry about temptation - as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
Brothel of Dreams: If you build it, they will come.
So the prince kissed sleeping beauty, and she opened her eyes and said, If you were a real prince you'd put on the coffee and give me ten more minutes.
I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give,
And give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live.
I'm not shy, I'm just studying my prey.
Pick up your mind, you're getting the gutter dirty!
Love is chemistry, sex is physics... but kinky takes engineering!
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
She's not a space cadet - she's a fully commissioned officer.
Spooned! We only spooned! We didn't fork!
F: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
M: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed in the end.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
-- Emo Philips
A girl seldom falls in love with a man unless there is some reason why she shouldn't.
-- Bob Edwards
A thief will demand your money or your life, but only a woman will demand both.
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist
This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.
When a man is single, he's incomplete; but when a man gets married, he's finished.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
The best way to get a good education is to curl up with a good book and a bad librarian.
-- Richard J. Needham
Some people have children in order to buy toys - I feel it's cheaper and more dignified to cut out the middleman and buy toys for myself
Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained a reputation for being a necromancer.
I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next." They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
You know when you meet a girl and she's the most beautiful girl in all the world and she's changed your whole life and you want to marry her and be with her forever and ever because she's just so wonderful? That's how women feel about shoes.
-- Dylan Moran
Spouse n. Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Women are like swimming pools: they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time that you spend inside!
Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe that she will never change. Both are mistaken!
There is no perfect guy out there for you, ladies. All you can do is get close. Don't try and "fix" anything to your liking, because nothing is broken. Whatever he is lacking you just have to learn to live without. He's already doing the same for you.
-- Gabe Strine
She was also mad. Loopy as a crochet convention.
-- Harry Dresden, Summer Knight
To bed, to sleep; perchance to masturbate. Ah, there's the rub!
-- Eric, The Wasp Factory
Mean people suck, nice people swallow!
The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.
Vince Lombardi
Punish the crime, not the freedom.
we should never complain about getting old, it's a luxury not afforded to everyone.
The trouble with mental illness your always the last to know
A good pun is its own reword.
I am Dyslexia of Borg. Prepare to have your **** laminated.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
A day without a pun is a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.
-- John S. Crosbie
They say thyme heal all wounds, but I've found it doesn't work any better than oregano.
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you flee.
A grimoire that sticks to you: the Velcronomicon.
2001 parking lot: My God, it's full of cars!
Monkey in a blender: Rhesus pieces.
Chopped cabbage - it's not just a good idea...it's THE SLAW
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh
Cogito Ergo Spud - I think, therefore I yam
Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process
Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place
Fantasy isn't our crutch - it's arcane
Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.
Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.
If it isn't baroque, don't fix it - unless you're sure you can handel it
Keep it short for pithy sake.
Lizard Invasion - Newts at eleven
Sick, sick, sick - the humor of the Beast
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum
Yellow journalism is media ochre
The Atkins Diet: It's a no-grainer
I find "lactose intolerant" offensive. I prefer "persona non gratin".
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise measurement of the speed of blight.
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
psychoceramics - the study of crackpots
Raistlin
27-08-2007, 14:12
A good pun is its own reword.
One for nugget ;)
Anonymouse
27-08-2007, 14:24
Most of my favourites have a literary source, books or TV/film scripts:
"Answers are easy. Asking the right questions is the hard part."
- the Doctor
Doctor Who, The Face of Evil
(I liked that one so much I had it printed on a T-shirt!)
"There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute. Even life itself is an exercise in exceptions."
- Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Star Trek: The Next Generation, Justice
(And that one!)
"Oh, you have no idea just how different he is." - Martha Jones
"He's a man, sweetheart, that's different enough!" - Tallulah (that's three L's, one H)
Doctor Who, Evolution of the Daleks
(And that one!)
In any agenda, political or otherwise, there is a cost to be borne. Always ask what it is, and who will be paying. If you don't, then the agenda-makers will pick up on the perfume of your silence like swamp panthers on the scent of blood, and the next thing you know, the person expected to bear the cost will be you.
And you may not have what it takes to pay.
- Quellcrist Falconer, Things I Should Have Learnt By Now, vol. II
Richard Morgan, Broken Angels
(And that one!)
There's also my quote, in my sig; to the best of my knowledge it is original.
And yes, that too is on a T-shirt. I'm just that sort of person. Deal with it. :D
A clean and neat dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind.
-- Skandranon, The Black Gryphon (Mercedes Lackey, )
Normal people worry me. That's why I'm so comfortable around myself.
-- Heather M.
Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning.
-- Marlo Thomas.
Man is a social animal - If you don't want to be an animal, don't be social.
Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos
Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.
-- Calvin
If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic
Darling, I have a .45 and a shovel - do you think someone will miss you?
Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and goes through their pockets.
-- Eddy Peters
I once absent-mindedly ordered Three Mile Island dressing in a restaurant and, with great presence of mind, they brought Thousand Island Dressing and a bottle of chili sauce.
-- Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil...prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...
-- Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush *itself*. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.
-- Fred Barling, Humorscope
Actually this is a common misconception...I do *not* in fact have a lot of time on my hands at all! I just have a very very very very bad sense of priorities.
-- Dean Engelhardt
Sometimes my level of frustration exceeds my capability to not care. I shall endeavor to increase my capability to not care.
-- Craig Bruce (2001-06-27)
Fleeting interest sort of maimed the cat.
-- Jim Benton
Federal Espresso - When you absolutely, positively have to have something that will get you going, no matter what you were doing overnight!
Conga Rats! (dah dah dah dah dah *squeek* dah dah dah dah dah *squeek*)
-- James
It is by Caffeine alone I set my Mind in motion
It is by the Beans of Java Thoughts acquire Speed
The Hands acquire Shakes
The Shakes become a Warning
It is by Caffeine alone I set my Mind in motion
You probably mean "sedentary". I personally lead both a sedentary life in that I spend too much of my time sitting in front of CRTs of various designs, and a sedimentary life in that everything I have is organized by how many layers down in the stack it is.
-- Greg Morrow
How can you live with yourself knowing that you've never even tried?
Very comfortably. My fear is a big warm blanket that protects me. If I never try, I can always stay cozy and safe.
Sometimes you're such a big stubborn jerk!
Can't hear you. I'm inside my protective blanket of fear.
-- Jade Fontaine and Brent Sienna, PvP Online
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Knowledge is Power. Power Corrupts. Study hard. be Evil
Some people have a genuine gift of poetry, a way with words that surpasses beauty and touches the deepest parts of one's soul... and some people, um, thingy.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For the first offense.
I meant, said Ipslore bitterly, what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?
Death thought about it Cats, he said eventually, Cats are Nice.
-- Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty
If I was inconsistent, at least it wasn't all the time.
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
-- Richard Bach
[Penn Jillette] said, 'If a truck is barreling toward you, no amount of positiveness will stop it from hitting you.' I needed to hear that I didn't have to be enthusiastic all the time. Some days you just need to be in a bad mood.
-- Julia Sweeney
They've found the gene for shyness. They would've found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
-- Johnathon Katz
Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
-- William Clayton
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.
Purring, the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Cthulhu Express - When it absolutely, positively has to be turned into an eldritch crawling horror in eons.
If I blow your mind, do you promise not to think in my mouth?
But if it's called tourist season, why can't we shoot at them?
futon: the fundamental particle of human inertia. emitted by comfy chairs, couches, and beds (bed futon fields are strongest in the morning).
I realize that each day is a gift. Now it's just a matter of figuring out how to exchange around seven thousand five hundred of them.
You are acting like a calm, rational person. This scares me.
I've finally got a good grip on reality - now I can strangle it!
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
-- (Terry Pratchett, Hogfather)
We seem to have a problem communicating via English. As a workaround, I'm going to restate my position in braille, on your forehead, with this mallet.
What's wrong?
Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of.
Essence of Zen: Don't just do something - sit there!
I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.
I'm on LSD: Lots of Sleep Deprivation.
Celebrate National Sadists' Day: be kind to a masochist.
UFO coverup. No film at eleven.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing:
Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of treacle
That's the way the chimney smokes
Pope Goestheveezl
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
-- Mike Harding
Stoning non conformists is part of science. Stoning conformists is also part of science. Only those theories that can stand up to a merciless barrage of stones deserve consideration. It is the creationist habit of throwing marshmallows that we find annoying.
-- Dr. Pepper
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
-- Bill Cosby
New and stirring things are belittled because if they are not belittled, the humiliating question arises, "Why then are you not taking part in them?"
-- Herbert George Wells (1866-1946)
This is the hardest part about meeting a daily deadline...coming up with a good excuse for being late...
-- Jeff McNelly, "Shoe"
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed where to go and what to do.
We're Americans - with a capital 'A'! And do you know what that means? Do you? It means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world.
-- Rousing speech by Bill Murray in STRIPES
Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.
-- Moliere
186,000 mps: it's not the law, it's just a challenge
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first.
-- Oscar Levant
A writer thinks of critics as a tree feels about dogs.
Anarchists unite!
Canada: A country which could have had British culture, American know-how and the passion of la France, but instead has British Passion, American culture and French know-how.
DISORGANIZATION is merely the sign of a very healthy individual trying to do more in a shorter period of time than those lazy, obsessively tidy types who can think of nothing better to do than straighten objects in drawers and stuff like that which only feeds their egos and makes them think that they are better than those of us who are truly gifted
Happiness is a warm puppy, said the anaconda.
Hedonist for Hire - No job too easy
I haven't killed anyone yet. Help me keep it that way.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
I knew I had some reason for not killing you...Now what was it?
I used to be sane...but I got better
I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would be better than what I have now
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer chocolate immediately!
It's a patronizing thing - you wouldn't understand
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experienced only need apply.
Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part.
Life is a bizarre thing. First you spend it running from childhood, then you spend the rest of it trying to get back.
-- Ravenous Tenebrosity
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful
Take my advice - I'm not using it
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast
This has been a test of the emergency of the emergency weirdness system
This isn't denial. I'm just very selective about which reality I accept.
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
This neurotic pursuit of sanity is driving us all crazy.
-- Solomon Short
Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once... it's not working
UFO's are real - the Air Force is swamp gas!
We're all aliens, but from different planets
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro
With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?
To seek permission is to seek denial.
-- Steve Jobs
By annihilating desire you annihilate the mind.
-- Claude-Adrian Helvetius
From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture:
This isn't true in practice - what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant.
And then the aside:
For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor...
From substitute lecturer, replacing the scheduled appearance by Dr. X:
Good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X; I am Dr. X's representative on Earth.
When you're feeling stressed out, I think it helps to make a nice hot cup of tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
I used to be a werewolf. But I'm alright no-o-o-o-o-o-w!
Clean, hard-working, dependable, quiet. Good God! What kind of Monster have I become?!?
sadoequinecrophilia, a wonderful constructed word meaning the passionate love of beating a dead horse.
What did you do to the cat? It looks half-dead.
-- Schroedinger's wife
Hear about the new Pirate Movie? It's rated "Arrr".
-- someone's sig
I am Popeye of Borg; prepares to be askimilated. Arf, arf arf!
-- Don Hutton
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
-- Life Affirmations that are Attainable
All my clothes go into the warm wash cycle together. Any garments that can't cope with that are weaklings and are culled from the herd. I've got better things to do with my time than sort laundry into little piles.
-- Ross TenEyck
Cry CHEEBLE! and unloose the hamsters of war
The problem isn't that I have an explosive temper, the problem is that I have too many targets!
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
-- Einstein
"You may like those pants, but your hips hate them."
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, dont put it off.
stress n. The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living s**t out of some a******e who desperately needs it.
Helpful hint # 4082.031: Death is bad for your health. It is recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors that you avoid it at all costs.
Warning: Objects in calendar are closer than they appear
The future belongs to people who see possibilities before they become obvious.
-- Ted Levitt (Professor Emeritus Harvard Business School)
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
-- Hofstadter's Law
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-- Catherine Aird
Dear Kettle,
I don't know how to tell you this, but there's something that's been concerning me about your current hue...
-- Davan, Something Positive
Never make fun of a stupid dwarf. It's not big and it's not clever.
But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.
-- Harry Dresden, Storm Front
I see someone had a nice big bowl of Fanatic-Os this morning
-- Harry Dresden, Summer Knight
Don't let the door hit you on the brain on the way out
-- Harry Dresden, Summer Knight
I suggest you perch on your own preconceptions and agenda, and rotate.
A horse is a horse, of course; of course,
He follows a lifestyle we don't endorse.
He drinks the blood of a sheep by force,
the vampire horse, Count Ed.
"Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2x4 do, Captain?"
Caitlin says, "my cat is YOWLING. what is her *damage*?"
Troc says, "1d4 x3 - bite, claw, claw"
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen
joglynne
27-08-2007, 16:01
Some of my favourite quotes are to do with children. Some being more like one liners really.
If your parents never had children then the chances are that you won’t have any either.
--D Cavett
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
--Clarence Darrow
It is not giving children more that spoils them, it’s giving them more to avoid confrontation.
--John Gray
and the classic…
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your nursing home.:D
--Phyliss Diller.
and finally, one that my father lived by and instilled in me :-
It’s better to do what you know is right and keep your self respect, rather than to temporarily please people by doing what you know is wrong.
--Hal.:angel:
Ah where would we be without the good old copy-and-paste-from-american-websites routine ;)
Anonymouse
28-08-2007, 18:14
One I somehow forgot:
"Normally, I have a very sweet disposition as a dog...in fact, more than once James suggested that I make the change permanent. The tail I could live with, but the fleas...they're murder."
- Sirius Black, Azkaban escapee, unregistered Animagus
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Cobbydaler
28-08-2007, 18:25
Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.
The Blues Brothers (1980)
Groucho Marks, for the following: :erm:
“Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.â€Â
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.â€Â
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.â€Â
“Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.â€Â
The old one's are most certainly the best - Classics indeed.
Si thee
Tezcatlipoca
28-08-2007, 20:07
Benjamin Franklin - "He who gives up essential liberty for a little temporary security deserves neither liberty nor security"
Captain Bruce McCandless II upon doing the first unteatherd space walk using a Manned Maneuvering Unit (MMU) on STS-41-B. (becoming the fastest human on the planet 17,500 MPH)
"It may have been one small step for Neil, but it one hell of a leap for me"
Tezcatlipoca
28-08-2007, 20:25
Roy Batty, Blade Runner - "I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die."
Verbal, The Usual Suspects - "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."
Ripley (& Hicks), Aliens - "I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Desiderata, "Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence..."
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But you can't have babies.
Stan: Don't you oppress me.
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
[Stan starts crying.]
Judith: Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Uncle Peter
28-08-2007, 21:15
From the legendary "History Today" sketch from the Mary Whitehouse Experience:
RN: "He had scurvy, and rickets and was covered from head to foot in festering sores. All-in-all he was quite the most ghastly apparition of a man I had ever seen"
DB: "I see, and who exactly was this poor unfortunate"
RN: "......That's you that is"
Cobbydaler
28-08-2007, 22:19
Mandy Cohen: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
Life of Brian (1979)
Newt: they mostly come at night... mostly
Aliens(1986)
greencreeper
28-08-2007, 23:05
I quite like the quote at the end of Dusk til Dawn - something like "psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't care how crazy they are" :D
Oh and from the La Femme Nikita series - something like "Dying is easy: you don't have to do anything. Living is hard"
Cobbydaler
29-08-2007, 19:40
Gene Hunt: I think she's as fake as a tranny's fanny.
Life on Mars (Series 2)
We are the nights we say......NI. Holy Grail, Monty Python
Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. Holy Grail, Monty Python.
Life is a Lemon and I want my Money Back, Meatloaf, from the song of the same name
Good girls go to heaven, but the bad girls go everywhere. Meatloaf, from the song of the same name.
Uncle Peter
29-08-2007, 20:42
"Smell my cheese you mother!" - Alan Partridge
We are the nights we say......NI. Holy Grail, Monty Python
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/alien42/smilies/the_knights_who_say_ni.gif
mrmistoffelees
03-09-2007, 11:12
Joke one :A dog is not just for Christmas (With any luck there will be some left over for Boxing day)
Serious one:
'The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.' ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky.
i just read this on anorther site its funny
Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country
---------- Post added at 21:33 ---------- Previous post was at 21:19 ----------
here is some more funny ones
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early
The one's used by myself when being told to hurry up
"Time.......is but a small price to pay for perfection "
And when not actually doing anything except maybe getting to a job
" While you are marching, you're not fighting "
and of course my sig :)
Cobbydaler
09-09-2007, 22:00
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw :)
If they can send one man to the moon why can't they send them all?
---------- Post added at 22:37 ---------- Previous post was at 22:36 ----------
If your left leg was easter, and your right leg was christmas, would i be able to meet you inbetween the holidays?"
Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree
I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.
-- (Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett)
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an **** kicking contest
Tearing up a bible is an acceptable way to spread the word of God.
Me.
Tearing up a bible is an acceptable way to spread the word of God.
Me.
:LOL: nice 1! :tu:
The things people say when they're too tired to realise what they're saying:
BFH*: Alien
Me: Mmm?
BFH: Alien!
Me: Mmm? wha?
BFH: Go & put your washing in the dyer.
Me: I can't, there's too many aliens in the tumble dryer.
* BFH = less-than-complementary nickname for an ex g/f of mine.
A mind not to be chang’d by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.
Paradise Lost. Book i. Line 253.
John Milton
My favourite from Management.
"I want to unknown the problems"
Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer
My favourite quote is the cheapest one.
If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving
LSainsbury
12-09-2007, 16:46
Use an apostrophe when letters are missing (http://www.dreaded-apostrophe.com/) ;)
That's great! (Note use of apostrophe there!) CF taught me something today!
A 50 year old man with the same view of life he had at 20, has wasted the past 30 years.
Cobbydaler
16-09-2007, 22:05
Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so - Bertrand Russell
Ron Atkinson has been known to come out with a few corkers. It is also known as Ronglish (http://www.dangerhere.com/ronglish.htm).
One of my favs is this classic......
I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.
:D
TheDaddy
16-09-2007, 22:29
Ron Atkinson has been known to come out with a few corkers. It is also known as Ronglish (http://www.dangerhere.com/ronglish.htm).
One of my favs is this classic......
:D
Thought you were going to quote that corker from the Desailly 'incident' :shocked: :D
Cobbydaler
16-09-2007, 22:58
The liberation of the human mind has never been furthered by dunderheads; it has been furthered by gay fellows who heaved dead cats into sanctuaries and then went roistering down the highways of the world, proving to all men that doubt, after all, was safe -- that the god in the sanctuary was finite in his power and hence a fraud...
Henry Louis Mencken
dilli-theclaw
20-09-2007, 10:15
'There's something manly about a toothbrush'
Just heard it on the radio :)
I mean what the hell???
If at first you don't succeed,,,,,hide all evidence you tried.
'There's something manly about a toothbrush'
Just heard it on the radio :)
I mean what the hell???
I think you must have missed the last word of the sentence - "moustache". ;)
papa smurf
20-09-2007, 20:07
you cant pollish a turd......allways reminds me of john prescot;)
Uncle Peter
21-09-2007, 15:20
"Nuns, reverse! reverse!" - Father Jack Hackett
you cant pollish a turd......allways reminds me of john prescot;)
Yep - along with "You're just putting lipstick on a pig" - obviously not Spiderpig.
Cobbydaler
30-09-2007, 19:47
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
Henry Louis Mencken
joglynne
05-10-2007, 13:36
"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers..."
- Homer Simpson
"Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase - this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley."
Jeremy Clarkson, describing the Audi R8.
Mr Angry
15-10-2007, 20:45
"About £1150" - Jim the "Brickie". September 2004
"About £1150" - Jim the "Brickie". September 2004
In cash, obviously......... ;)
Mr Angry
15-10-2007, 21:08
In cash, obviously......... ;)
....in hand, nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
I smell dead people. http://homepage.ntlworld.com/alien42/smilies/zombie_attack.gif
Dean Cain, Dead and Deader.
Lord Nikon
13-11-2007, 19:58
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular - Einstein
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. - Einstein (possibly commenting on MS Windows)
One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong (first man on the moon)
That may have been one small step for Neil, but it's a heck of a big leap for me - Bruce McCandless II (first man to space walk untheaterd on an MMU)
---------- Post added at 20:09 ---------- Previous post was at 20:06 ----------
A classic by Donald Rumsfeld (Can somebody translate)
There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Rumfeld may be an ass, but that statement is true (imho).
Woolly One
13-11-2007, 21:26
A classic by Donald Rumsfeld (Can somebody translate)
There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Quite simple - I think?
When you are presented with the fact that your recent actions on the world stage, could lead to you being made a scapegoat. You have to revert to the old language of 'Gobdlygook' to cover your backside.
Or - Your speechwriter - really hates you, as you only gave him/her a $1 bonus for Christmas!!
:)
stewie Griffin:
You call those cheap implants boobs? Those aren't boobs!... They're lies!
"The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams."
So true.
"Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real."
I like to believe that!
tweetypie/8
05-01-2008, 14:02
What your favourite's quote's?
my favourite comes from evel kinevel
if you think money can buy you into heaven your a fool.
and if you think money can buy you out of hell your a bigger fool ;)
The Moon should be left to its own business of tides, werewolves, & periods. If anyone can explain to me the actual difference between them last 2... be at the stage door later. 1 man's silver bullet is another woman's bar of chocolate.
-- Al Murray
KaySquirrel
05-06-2008, 09:59
Take the sword with reluctance.
Draw it with dread.
Grieve for those who fall to it.
But make every blow count
From Shike, by Robert J. Shea
PeteTheMusicGuy
05-06-2008, 10:29
"You know songwriting really is a mysterious process because we're asking people to expose themselves. It's like open-heart surgery in some way. You're looking for real, raw emotions, and you don't find that by sticking to the rules." .... Bono from U2
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
-- (Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant)
My house smells of flowers in the morning. This one smells of bum
I'm drying out like a cornflake
smeagoly1
08-07-2008, 13:23
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.
I have just been all round the world and have formed a very poor opinion of it.
No operatic star has yet died soon enough for me.
All Thomas Beecham :)
Frankly, My Dear, I Don't Give a Damn.
A Room without Books Is like a Body without a Soul
I've Learned That People Will Forget What You Said, People Will Forget What You Did, but People Will Never Forget How You Made Them Feel.
"Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way -that is not easy..." Aristotle, Nichomacen Ethics
"Uncle, I love you" - my Nephew & Niece
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.
Cherralea Morgen
me and you are friend
you smile, i smile......you hurt, i hurt
you cry, i cry....you jump off bridge,
i miss your E-mails :)
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