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heyyo
13-08-2005, 12:42
I am new to poetry so i need all the help i can get from you guys, i would appreciate if you could tell me how i can improve this, maybe i need to use a better phrase of words or i have grammar errors....that type of thing...

thanks

My poem it's called "Water"

Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein.

Expansion deluges in vein
Innovation barrages our loin
Senses mingle with the wind

Tongues entangle the message
Water strangles the passage

Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein

Raistlin
13-08-2005, 13:02
My poem it's called "Water"

Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein.

Expansion deluges in vein
Innovation barrages our loin
Senses mingle with the wind

Tongues entangle the message
Water strangles the passage

Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein

Given that the subject of the poem is "Water", a fluid and constantly moving element, I think that the flow of your work is good.

I like the lack of punctuation, it serves to remind the reader that this is one continual passage - where the normal rules of constraint don't apply, in the way that water can only be stopped by powerful interventions.

If I'm being picky.....

The last verse should (if thus was your intention) perfectly mirror the first - you need to include a full stop after "therein" or remove it from the first verse. Personally I would include one there.

I would also either; remove the third line of the second verse, or split it into two verses and add another line. The balance of the piece seems to be slightly out - if you really want to leave that line in I would consider removing all of the spacings between the lines so that the whole piece is one long verse.

The thing to remember with poetry, of any sort, is that it is a personal expression. Often people attempt to make it "perfect", it should never be thought of that way.
Your poetry comes from within you and reflects your heart and mind, even reflections on the stillest body of water have ripples.

Russ
13-08-2005, 13:07
You need to colaborate with Kronas - he's the best poet I've seen on this site, no disrespect to yourself of course :)

Raistlin
13-08-2005, 13:09
You need to colaborate with Kronas - he's the best poet I've seen on this site, no disrespect to yourself of course :)

:bigcry: Nobody likes my work :(

heyyo
13-08-2005, 13:32
basically ithe poem is about the soul, Man is made out of water scientifically, hence Man is Water. The poem just highlights the challenges that Man meets. Martyrdom is used in the sense of freedom/struggle.

is this making sense?

Raistlin
13-08-2005, 13:33
is this making sense?

Makes sense to me, but then I'm more educated than some people here ;) :Sprint:

ikthius
13-08-2005, 14:19
is this making sense?

Makes sense to me, but then I'm more educated than some people here ;) :Sprint:

tha's fitin tok tha' is :D

ik

heyyo
13-08-2005, 15:02
lol this is my revised version. I have been told it sounds contrived, i guess i shouldnt give up my day job lol

"Water"


Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein.


Expansion deluges in vein
Ascension barrages our loin


Senses mingle with the wind
Clouds impinge the hinterland


Tongues entangle the message
Water strangles the passage


Soul capitulates guidance
Martyrdom quenches therein.