Was it REALLY my fault?

[Russ]

I have to be very careful how I word this as not to give the game away regarding who this involves, but I really need the opinions of others to ensure I don't go totally loopy.

I recently asked someone for some advice. I gave an outline of what the matter was but due to time restrictions, we could not discuss it in full and asked if I could email her to explain, to which I was told I could.

And I did.

I've now found out that this person was apparently slightly offended and embarrassed by what I asked, saying it was nothing to do with any area of her expertise and didn't really appreciate my email.

But why? She knew what the problem was, she knew I wanted her opinion, I asked if I could email her and she said I could - if she felt so strongly and uncomfortable about the subject (yes - it was the subject she didn't like, NOT the content) why did she agree to my emailing her? I was told that she probably felt too embarrassed to say no - my view on this is that it can't be my responsibility if she didn't have the courtesy or ability to say 'no' to my request about emailing her. Although we've all probably been in situations where we've felt it hard to say no, she had no business in complaining about my actions if she knew what it was about and invited me to discuss it further.

This has really annoyed me tonight. I cannot see what the problem is. It's hard for me to find any sympathy for someone who kicks up such a fuss like this when they were in control of it ever getting off the groung in the first place.

Sorry for ranting but I really need to ask you lot - who's in the wrong?

[greencreeper]

<wades in cautiously>

I'd imagine that her body language would have given the game away but you either couldn't (too preoccupied with your needs) or didn't see it (you're a man).

[dilli-theclaw]

<snip Russ' stuff> Well - if she knew what the topic was before you emailed her - then I don't see what you have done wrong.

Even if she did have a problem with saying 'no' then I'd say it's still down to her to cope with the result of her actions.

But that's all my opinion - and I've been known to be wrong on lots of occasions - so you can choose to ignore it if you like :)

[danielf]

Difficult to tell really. It depends on how much the topic had been narrowed down before you emailed her.

Is it possible the topic was not quite what she expected when she said you could email her?

[iadom]

I'm a man who has been married to a woman for over 30 years, so I couldn't possibly comment. And that is not a flippant answer, but one born from long and sometimes painful experience.

[Russ]

Difficult to tell really. It depends on how much the topic had been narrowed down before you emailed her.

Is it possible the topic was not quite what she expected when she said you could email her?

Not really. I told her what the issue was and she would have been able to decide from that if she wanted to/was able to deal with it.

I'd imagine that her body language would have given the game away but you either couldn't (too preoccupied with your needs) or didn't see it (you're a man).

Body language wouldn't have come in to it. Without explaining too much, it was an environment where body language would not have been a factor.

[Paul]

Sorry for ranting but I really need to ask you lot - who's in the wrong?

She is.

[Nikko]

As I scrolled down, I was formulating a reply in my head. Then I got to iadom's post, which said it all.

[danielf]

Body language wouldn't have come in to it. Without explaining too much, it was an environment where body language would not have been a factor.

Is it possible she just said yes when she wanted to say no, because other people could hear her response and she didn't want them to hear her say no?

(Sorry, but you're not giving us a lot to go on here...)

[Florence]

I will give a womans view or more my view as a woman :D

Russ if you told her what you need help with and she agreed then you haven't done anything wrong. If she didn't like the subject and said it was ok for you to email her she was accepting that she would help you with this problem.

When it arrived if it was something she wasn't happy doing and only said yes coz she didn't like saying no. Then she didn't need to open the email she could have just said it didn't arrive and she would rather not help...

I wonder if she will say yes to everything rather than face upto what she don't like.

MPO is Russ you haven't done anything wrong and she had no right to complain.

[greencreeper]

Body language wouldn't have come in to it. Without explaining too much, it was an environment where body language would not have been a factor.

Probably explains it then :D

[Russ]

Is it possible she just said yes when she wanted to say no, because other people could hear her response and she didn't want them to hear her say no?

That could possibly be it, which I totally respect. But in which case, she could have deleted the email (as Kits suggests), chosen to ignore it, ANYTHING but bring it up in the manner that she did.

[Electrolyte01]

Even if she did have a problem with saying 'no' then I'd say it's still down to her to cope with the result of her actions.
Agreed.

[danielf]

That could possibly be it, which I totally respect. But in which case, she could have deleted the email (as Kits suggests), chosen to ignore it, ANYTHING but bring it up in the manner that she did.

In that case, I agree, she is wrong. She could have ignored it, or sent you a polite email saying that she does not really want to comment despite her earlier comment which was partly due to the circumstances in which your request was made.

[Charlie_Bubble]

Sorry for ranting but I really need to ask you lot - who's in the wrong?

C'mon Russ, it's a woman you're dealing with, therefore you're always in the wrong! :)

[Electrolyte01]

C'mon Russ, it's a woman you're dealing with, therefore you're always in the wrong! :)
He's got a very good point there! :disturbd:

[Russ]

lololol :D

I wouldn't go that far....but what didn't help was the person who brought her 'complaint' to my attention was male and he certainly seemed to be on her side.

[Electrolyte01]

Oh dear :erm:

[MovedGoalPosts]

lololol :D

I wouldn't go that far....but what didn't help was the person who brought her 'complaint' to my attention was male and he certainly seemed to be on her side.

hmm us blokes should stick together, or maybe he was trying to find his feminine side :rolleyes:

It's extremely diifficult to read anyone with just the typed word, even with emoticons. Face to face you can often see by body language and perhaps expression that somebody is gettig uncomfortable and it's time to change tack. Even by phone you might get some idea from the tone of voice. email is a harsh medium.

Peer pressure, may have made it difficult for her perhaps to say no wherever you probably publicly (reading between the lines) made contact asking was it OK to email, and she positively responded. Even if she did then receive and open the email (without knowing how she then put you down), she should have been able to simply say, on second thoughts, sorry, but I can't help. Put as simply as that, you would have been able to accept that inability and left it there.

It sounds as though neither you or her have been able to find that simple, oops step to far, leave this alone and stop now, common ground.

[Paul K]

All I can say is this:
Have you ever asked someone what was wrong and within seconds wished you'd never asked? Sometimes we do things with the best intentions and suddenly realise that we are out of our depth or uncomfortable with what we are faced with.
If when faced with the full details your friend felt uncomfortable then you should respect that, as to wether her reaction was wrong.... who knows, we all react differently to certain situations. Maybe it was a subject that hit a nerve? Maybe she just changed her mind, we all do from time to time.
If you know you can trust her with the contents of the email (and you must have to send it to her) then chalk it up to experience.

[greencreeper]

Fans of wildlife programs will by now have realised that the more sophisticated the communication system, the less effective the communication :)