[Hom3r]

Here are some of the joke I heared on my hols but cannot remember the others

I bought my niece a jigsaw for her birthday, she plugged it in and cut off the fingers.

What happened when Moses went to mount olive? Popeye kicked his head in.

What goes click click is it done yet? Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik’s Cube.

The other day I was with a group of people and one of the was obviously wearing a wig, I stood up and said to him ‘Look mate everybody here knows you’re wearing a wig, why don’t you take it off as it makes you look silly’ then the bugger gave me 6 months.


This salesman knock on a door, which is opened by a 7 year old boy holding a large glass of brandy in one hand, and a lighted Cuba cigar in the other, he says to him ‘Are mummy or daddy home?’ to which the boy replies ‘Does it look like it?’

The other day I was walking my 5 year old through the park and he saw dogs going at it. My little boy asks me what are they doing? I reply ‘Well they are um well they making puppies’ which he was happy with, latter that night he walked in to my bedroom were me and the missus were going at it. He asked what were we doing I said that we were making babies, he said can you turn her over I want a puppy.


One morning I said to the wife that the milkman has made love to all but one woman in our street, she said it must that stuck up cow at number 31.


I used to work at Specsavers, I made no money but loads of contacts.


I had been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and she said that we were invited to meet her parents, and that her bedroom was very far from her parents bedroom and that we wouldn’t be heard. So the day before I went to the chemist to get a packet of three, but the chemist said that they only come in packets of 5, 10, 12, I ask how come, he said that the 5-pack were for the Italians, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday. The 10-pack were for the British Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday and three times on Sunday. And the 12-pack was for the French Jan, Feb…. I asked him for two 12 packs, as I’m seeing my girlfriend this weekend. Anyway traffic was a nightmare and I got there 1 hour late, I was meet at the door by my girlfriend who was spitting nails, and she said go in to the dining room as they are about to serve. I went into the dining room and her father asked if I would do grace I said ‘ may the lord make us thankful for the food we were going to eat, and thanks for the baby animals, trees, babies’ my girlfriend said ‘I know you were religious’ I replied ‘I didn’t know your dad was a chemist.

This old girl goes into the Butchers and asks for 6 rump steaks, the butcher asks ‘What the special occasion?’ She said ‘It’s my birthday can you guess how old I am.’ The butcher said ‘I reckon you’re about 65’ the old girl says ‘I’m 80 years old’ the Butcher says ‘Happy Birthday have the steaks on me.’ She goes next door to the Baker and asks for Vol-u-vont, fairy cakes, the Baker asks ‘What the special occasion.’ She said ‘It’s my birthday can you guess how old I am.’ The Baker said ‘I reckon you’re about 66’ the old girl says ‘I’m 80 years old’ the Baker says ‘Happy Birthday have the goods on me.’ She leave the Bakers weighed down with bags and goes to the bus stop and a 70 year old bloke asks ‘ you’ve been busy, what the occasion?’ She said ‘It’s my birthday can you guess how old I am.’ The bloke says I can’t I have my own special why to tell how old a woman is’. ‘Go on then.’ Said the old girl, so he puts his hand inside here blouse and into her bra, 45-minutes late he says ‘I reckon you’re 80 years old.’ ‘the old girls says how did you work that out?. To which the bloke replies ‘ I was standing behind you at the Butchers’.