Religeous humour

[Ramrod]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known to man.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past 2 hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.

"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves!"

[Ramrod]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there is an error in the first copy, that error will be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks, "What was wrong?" "The word is celebrate," answers the old monk.

[ZrByte]

lol Keep em coming Ramrod, still not as funny as the blonde Jokes though

[Ramrod]

A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.

Well, little kids don't always realise that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.

That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighbourhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.

But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.

That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."

The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute.

When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed. She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"

[Ramrod]

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the Lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

[Mal]

Originally posted by Ramrod
A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.

Well, little kids don't always realise that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.

That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighbourhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.

But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.

That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."

The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute.

When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed. She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"

[ZrByte]

RALMAO!!!! those last two where top quality 10/10 keep em coming, dont stop now

[danielf]

A man dies and goes to heaven. Peter says he will show him to his quarters. On their way, they come to a big mansion with a big pond outside. So the man asks who lives there. Peter explains that the mansion is reserved for the Baptists. They liked to baptise on earth, so we gave them this pond for them to baptise.

A while later they come across a huge pub. Peter explains that this is where the trappist monks live. They enjoyed a beer on earth, so we've decided to give them this pub.

When they come to a 15 foot wall, the man gets very intrigued, and asks Peter who lives there. Shhht, keep your voice down goes Peter. The Catholics live behind it. They think they're the only ones here.

[danielf]

A priest and a lawyer die in a car crash, Peter welcomes them in heaven, and says he will show them to their quarters. They come across a huge mansion with pond and everything, and Peter says to the lawyer: "this is where you will live". So the lawyer goes in and makes himself comfortable.

The priest can't help thinking about his accommodation. After all, when a Lawyer who has probably done everything God forbid gets a mansion like this, what would the reward be for a man of the cloth who has devoted his life to the Lord. Needless to say he is a little surprised when they arrive at the local YMCA, and he is allocated a bunk bed at the dorm. In response to his query on the matter, Peter replies: well, it's simple we've got millions of priests here, but this is the first time we get a lawyer.

[Bill Payer]

Originally posted by Ramrod
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there is an error in the first copy, that error will be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks, "What was wrong?" "The word is celebrate," answers the old monk.

Some years ago,I was reading a book where the Monks are copying copies of old text..Apparently,in Latin, the word "stone" is very similar to the word "Saxon". Our hero was advised not to point out the correction.
Also,during the story,they kept referring to a place called Caer Mellot.
It took me ages to realise where they meant!

[Ramrod]

Originally posted by timewarrior2001

caer mellot=camelot