[Merged] Jokes Thread

[bw41101]

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he heard squealling and then noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats ran past the man and promptly jumped into the water and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, a pair of illegal immigrants, an Arsenal supporter, and anything French!'

Sigh..............................!

Si thee

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Derek

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

————————————————————————

UK GOVERNMENT VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing ‘We shall overcome’.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ‘fair share’ and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain ‘s apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers’ drug ‘illness’.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain ‘s multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

Bloody well spot on mate!

[bw41101]

A very obese man - after a night at his local boozer decides to have a light snack before he goes home. After leaving the chippy with a tray full of chips, mushy peas and two steak pies he decides to eat them outside whilst waiting for a cab.

After a few minutes - aware that he is being watched he turns around to see a homeless man (sitting in shop a doorway) staring intensely at him.

The obese man stares back and says "eahh whatcha lookin at mate?"
The homeless man replies "you with all of that stuff you're eatin"
To which the obese man replies "so - what's your problem then"?
The homeless man replies "I haven't eaten in ten days and I've managed to lose two stone because of it"
To which the obese man replies:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Good on yer mate - could do with some of your will power"


Sigh.......................................!

Si thee

[budwieser]

During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Credits to Original Poster.

[Hom3r]

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada.

He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.’Who’s he?’ said the scouser.

‘That’s the Memory Man.’ said the bartender. ‘He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.’

So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks ‘Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’. ‘Liverpool’ replies the Memory Man. ‘Who did they beat?’ ‘Leeds’ was the reply. ‘And the score?’ ’2-1′ ‘Who scored the winning goal?’ ‘Ian St. John’ was the old man’s reply.

The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man.

Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting ‘How’.

The Memory man replied…..’Diving header in the six yard box’.

[vanman]

A Polish immigrant went to the DLVA to apply for a driver's license.
of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card
with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
the Polish guy replied, "I know this guy."

---------- Post added 26-12-2010 at 00:14 ---------- Previous post was 25-12-2010 at 23:56 ----------

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

[bw41101]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke Cowboy - given that you are blind and all, I'm gonna cut you some slack and tell you five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The lady guarding the front door is a blonde.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a champion wrestler.

'Now that you know - think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

With this the blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:

"Hell no...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....."

[zaax]

I asked my missus, "What do you want for your birthday, fatty?"
She said, "Don't get lippy."
Mascara it is then.

[bw41101]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at Heathrow airport when a stunningly beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and recites the Delta Airlines motto:
"We love to fly and it shows".

The woman looks at him blankly. Obviously that didn't work so he sits back and thinks up another line. Within a few seconds he leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
"Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time uttering the Malaysian Airlines motto:
"Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says; "What the f*** do you want?"

"Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, "Ryanair"

Si thee

[TheNorm]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Kymmy]

New goverment tax rules

1. How much do you earn?
2. How much have you got left?
3. Send it.

[DaiNasty]

Are YOU insured for sex?

SEX with your wife - legal & general
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX on the telephone - Direct line
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & go
SEX with your boyfriend -standard life
SEX with a transvestite - confused . com
SEX with some one different - go compare . com
SEX with an animal - compare the meerkat . com
SEX with a fat bird - More Than
SEX on the back seat - sheila's wheels
SEX with an o.a.p - saga
SEX with a posh bird - privilege .com
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

[1701-e]

The bosses at old trafford are feeling the pinch too and have had to lay off 15 staff.

The 5 referees and their 10 assistants are said to be devastated!!

[Matty_]

I`m in trouble with the wife, she asked me what i`d most like to do with her body?

Spoiler: 

Apparently identify it was the wrong answer!

[budwieser]

I thought that for a Laugh, I`d take the Bathroom bulb out and replace my wifes Tampons with Party Poppers!
Even on the way to Hospital she still couldn`t see the funny side of it.!
No sense of humour some people.

If this is too risque, could a Mod remove it please. Thanks.