[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Welshchris]

We were discussing great rulers earlier. I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof

[bw41101]

With all of the recent snow we've been having, thought this would raise a smile:

The Diary of a Londoner living in the Scottish Highlands.


OUR FIRST WINTER IN SCOTLAND

16th December

Moved in on the 12th and after a lot of hassle finally got settled. Last of the furniture arrived this morning. Sky's looking decidedly gray looks like we could be in for some snow. Wonder if we might be having a White Christmas - last time I experienced that was back in the 70's when I was a youngster.

19th December

It started to snow today! The first of the season, and the very first we have seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies out onto the porch and watched the fluffy soft snowflakes gently drift from the sky, leaving a twinkling diamond-like dusting on the trees and the lawn. It is so beautiful and peaceful here.

20th December

We awoke delighted to find a beautiful blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the land as far as the eye can see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush is now adorned with a lovely mystical cotton wool covering, sparkling as if sent from heaven itself.

22nd December

Today I shovelled for the first time ever and I loved it! I cleared both our driveway and the whole of the pavement outside our house and the house next door. Later on, a snowplough came past and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver gave a big wave and smiled as he went past, I waved back and then shovelled the driveway clear again. The children next door built a snowman, with coal for its eyes and a carrot for its nose, they then had a snowball fight. A couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car, I threw a couple back and joined in the fun.

26th December

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did the same trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.

29th December

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon turned into ice as the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Fell on my backside in the driveway and ended up in casualty, luckily nothing broken!

2nd January

Still cold! Had another 8 inches of white sh**e last night. Sold the wife's car the other day and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and caused considerable damage to the right wing. Both the vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. The bas***d snowplough came by twice today Where's the bloody shovel?

5th January

More f*****g snow! Not a tree or a bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power went and stayed off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and paraffin heater, which then tipped over and nearly torched the house. Managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns to my hands, and lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a f*****g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

8th January

F*****g white stuff keeps coming down! Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the postbox. The little bas****s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back and as for their f*****g snowman, I'll shove that carrot so far up their ar**s, it'll take a surgeon hours to find it and if I ever catch the wa**er that drives the snowplough, I'll rip open his chest and chew out his heart with my teeth! I reckon the bas***d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling. He then accelerates down the street like Michael f*****g Schumacher and buries the f*****g drive again!

10th January

Sixteen more f*****g inches of f*****g snow, f*****g ice, f*****g sleet and God knows whatever other white sh**e fell last night. Can't move my f*****g toes, its so cold. I'm due in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with a cricket bat. Haven't seen the sun for five weeks. Minus 20degrees, and more f*****g snow forecast!!!

14th January

F**k this!! We're moving back to London.

[Pauls9]

Nice one mate!

Yup, Scotland's a lovely place to be - but only between the snow and midgie seasons!

[LondonRoad]

Originally Posted by Pauls9

Nice one mate!

Yup, Scotland's a lovely place to be - but only between the snow and midgie seasons!

otherwise knows as the morning of April the first.

[bw41101]

Arabs are a funny lot at the best of times - then again when you've seen some of their women:

http://www.arabnews.com/?page=1&sect...=28&m=1&y=2010

I wonder what the "coveted" prizes might be - perhaps it's safer not to ask.

Si thee

[Hugh]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!

He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a policeman, who says, “Sorry, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I'm very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet.”

“Ah, yes,” said the constable . “Just follow me.”

He leads him to a back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

“In there,” points the constable. “Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the policeman, “That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?”

“No sir,” the policeman replied. “It's what we call ‘The French Embassy.’”

[Hom3r]

John Terry's wife was talking to Wayne & Collen Rooney, she said "JT has slept with every Wife and Girlfriend of the England team, except one." Coleen said "I bet it's that stuck up cow Victoria Becham."

[Welshchris]

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON DISCOVER AN UNUSUAL PAINTING

One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting.

At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth.

"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe.

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes.

[bw41101]

Whilst on holiday in Beijing China a young English man an his group of friends decide to hit the town. After consuming a very large quantity of the local booze he ends up in a brothel where he samples the delights of the local girls.

A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to the local STD clinic. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Penile sock rot. "It's extremely rare and almost unheard of here in the UK, so rare in fact that we know little or nothing about it and I'm sorry to say that we're going to have to amputate your penis.

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not - no way! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but I can assure you that surgery is your only choice.'

The next day after trawling through the yellow pages - no pun intended, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian Penile sock rot. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? The STD clinic doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God for that - I was really worried!' the man replies.

'No ploblem widda surgery,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. drop off by itself!'

[Maggy J]

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die.
Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into
heaven." The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front. "Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

[Welshchris]

How do u make a pig fly?

Start with a 3ft zipper :-D

[Derek]

The police are looking for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles, the police say the culprit is following a pattern and that enquiries are proving difficult because he comes from a tight knit community. He also broke into a hairdressers, police are combing the area.

[multiskilled]

Originally Posted by Derek S

The police are looking for someone who has stabbed 6 people with knitting needles, the police say the culprit is following a pattern and that enquiries are proving difficult because he comes from a tight knit community. He also broke into a hairdressers, police are combing the area.

No doubt they will stitch someone up.

[bw41101]

The following squads have just been announced for the 2010 World Cup

BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Pinnochio

Libero

Vimto ++++ Memento ++++ Borneo ++++ Tango

Cheerio ++++ Subbuteo

Scenario ++++ Fellatio

Portfolio

SUBS:

Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro
Aristotle
Computersezno


YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Itch

Annoyingitch ++++ Hardtoreachitch ++++ Scratchanitch

Hic ++++ Sic ++++ Spic ++++ Pric

Digaditch ++++ Fallinaditch

Horseraditch

SUBS:

Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Rideabitch

RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Whodyanicabolicov

Ticlycov ++++ Chesticov ++++ Nasticov

Slalomsky ++++ Downhillsky

Riski ++++ Swedishshev ++++ Mastershev

Vuckov ++++ UVuckov

SUBS:

Rubitov
Gechakitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Nakkerov
Taykitov

ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Chatanoogaciouciou

Atishiou ++++ Blessiou ++++ Thankyiou

Busqueue ++++ Snookercu

Pennyciou ++++ Twoapennyciou ++++ Fourapennyciou

Eyellgetciou ++++ Youandwhosarmi

SUBS:

U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou
Lee Kwan Yu

DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Toomanigoalssen

Tryandstopussen ++++ Crapdefenssen ++++ Haveagossen

Firstsson ++++ Seccondsson

Thirdsson

Legshurtssen ++++ Notroubleseeingussen

Wherestheballssen ++++ Getthebeerssen

SUBS:

Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen

ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Baloni

Potbelli ++++ Beerbelli ++++ Giveitsumwelli

Wotsontelli ++++ Yrarseissmelli ++++ Onetoomani

Legslikejelli ++++ Havabenni

Wobblijelli ++++ Spendapenni

SUBS:
Cantthinkofani!!!
Buggermi

MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

San Francisco

Costa Brava ++++ Bluddiopelez ++++ Juan kher

Manuel Gearbox

Don Criformi-Argentina ++++ Skrewdigalz ++++ Luis Canon ++++ Sombrero

Chihuahua ++++ Jose

SUBS:

Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba

DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Kenning van Hire

Van Diemansland ++++ Van der Valk ++++ Van Gard ++++ Van Erealdizeez

Ad van Tagus ++++ Hertz van Rental ++++ Transit van Dors

Van Coova ++++ Van Sprokendown ++++ Aye van Hoe

SUBS:

Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison

GERMANY SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Schitz

Fuchen ++++ knutz ++++ Gassenfharter ++++ Aschlicher

Schitzenfester ++++ Blauenfharter ++++ Schmalfharter ++++ Bichhfharter

Pitsse ++++ Wasserpitsse

Schnitzlepooper

SUBS:
Schnell
Badgutz
Unterfharter
Schtinken
Geldwasser
Brattwurst

Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor.

There is no place in the Dutch squad for les bian tranny, Dick van Dyke.

The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke.

Si thee

[Halcyon]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.


A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."