[Merged] Jokes Thread

[TheDaddy]

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[Cobbydaler]

Glasgow lonely hearts...

[moaningmags]

Rofl Cobby

[bw41101]

What's the difference between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber with a rucksack?

The suicide bomber only goes "Boom" once

Si thee

[Hugh]

A friend in NZ sent me this -

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from " Slightly Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".

In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain -
"Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend",
"The barbie is cancelled".
There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[bw41101]

An elderly American gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his hand luggage bag.

Tutting impatiently, the customs officer asked, sarcastically. "You have been to France before, monsieur?"

"Just the once" replied the old man.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready monsieur." replies the officer

With this, the elderly gentleman replies, "Well the last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible" snaps the customs officer - going all red in the face. "Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France, I don't believe it - when was this?"

The old man gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly replied.

"Omaha beach - D Day 1944, only back then I couldn't find a f***ing French customs officer to show it to."

Buellerks!

Si thee

[Cobbydaler]

[Turkey Machine]

Classic XKCD that, and I know somebody who would use the most complicated method EVER to solve something so simple.....

[bw41101]

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists - looking very serious indeed.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he then unfolds to reveal a condom.

It's obvious that the condom has been well used as it has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," the chemist replies.

"Aye and how much for a new one asks the scot?"

"Ten pence,"says the chemist, who then hands it back.

The Scot then painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief followed by the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great AYE! go up outside, followed by an shout OCH AYE!.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a large grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one."

Si thee

[Mick Fisher]

Rofl!!!!

[bw41101]

'WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!'

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her then tied a pillow around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson ...






'They are treating me very well thank you. The only problem is that they won't let me fart.'

Sigh.....................................!

Si thee

[altis]

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

[Sox]

A drunk bloke came upon a geezer looking under the bonnet of his car.
"What's the matter?" mumbled the drunk. "Oh,piston broke," replied the motorist."
"Yeah,me too," replied the drunk.

[bw41101]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Remove card, rotate card and Re-insert the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check make up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

Simples!

Si thee

[Sox]

I went to visit my doctor after a lifetime of wine,women and song.'Well,' said the doctor, 'the good news is that you dont have to give up singing.'