[Merged] Jokes Thread

[wigro]

White horse walks into a pub , the landlord says , weve got a whiskey named after you .


The horse says ,,,,,,, What Eric?

[harmitage]

Has somebody been sending out the bumper joke book from 1950 to forum members?

Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, (work with me here!!) she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Mary,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!'

Her mother said 'Stay here lass and stir this mince

[Mr_love_monkey]

A bear walking into a pub and says 'I'll have a pint of .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...............bitter please'

The Barman says 'Why the big pause?'
The bear says 'Im a bear you idiot'

[altis]

I call my dog "Pinter"

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Because he's got such big pawses.

[TheDaddy]

Two dwarfs go out on the town, they pull two young ladies and take them back to their house, the first dwarf gets his lady into the bedroom but disaster he cant 'perform' and to make matters worse all he hears through out the night is the other dwarf in the next room saying 'one two three, here I come again urrggh'.

In the morning at breakfast after the ladies have gone, the dwarf say's to his friend, 'it was awful I couldn't perform last night, so embarrassing', his friend replies 'how do you think I feel, I couldn't even get on the bloody bed'

---------- Post added at 09:19 ---------- Previous post was at 09:16 ----------

A friend of mine was visiting Dublin via Cork but didn't know the way so he asked a local 'what's the quickest way from Cork to Dublin' he asked, 'are you going by car or on foot' the local replied 'car' he said, 'Aye that's the quickest way'

[Orior]

I have a pet newt, and i call him Tiny, cause he's my newt.

[Rob M]

My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock and racket the other day.....Bad Minton!

[David F]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother
thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad" as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
membership to the country club........................ (takes a
breath).............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera and......"

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! !!

I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

[Orior]

Q. Whats the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?

A. A Pigeon can still make a deposit on a ferrari

[Orior]

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Obama, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Obama. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know ****'.

[altis]

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

[iadom]

What is the capital of Iceland?
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About £3.50.

[icestar2]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operate:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 -- These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a store just across the street, where men can choose a New Wife.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[bw41101]

A man breaks into a house to look for weapons and any money he can lay his hands on.

Inside, he finds the young couple in bed. Forcibly, he orders the guy out of bed and then ties him to a chair.

Whilst tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom..

Whilst he is in the bathroom , the husband whispers over to his wife. "Listen Honey, this guy is an escaped convict. just look at his clothes. He's been in prison a long time and probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If, he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you no matter how much he nauseates you - this guy is very dangerous. If he gets angry he will probably kill us both.

Be strong, Honey. I love you! "

His wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he is gay, thinks that your cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him that it was in the bathroom cabinet.

Be strong Honey. I love you too"!!

[TheDaddy]

Stephen Hawkins went out on a date last night, he ended up with a broken arm, fractured skull and some minor cuts and bruises

Apparently she stood him up