[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Graham M]

Rofl! :d

[bw41101]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "Paddy you've a skin full - you'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK den Mick, oi'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off, falling flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "bollox!" he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feeling much better he takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. "Bejaisus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "You've got to troi Paddy udderwise you'll be here all noit." Somehow he manages crawl up the stairs to his bedroom door and says,"Oi tink I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "It's no good, Oi'll end up killin meself oi will, oi gotta stop drinking," but (in the end) manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "wake up Paddy ya lush, to be sure you were out drinkin yurself stupid again last noit?"

Paddy says, "Oi did Jess, yes oi did. I was totally aersoled - but you were staying at you mother's - so how'd you know?"

"Mick called ... ya eedjut - you left your wheelchair in the pub again."

Si thee

[Russ B]

What do you call someone who can speak 3 languages?

Trilingual.

What do you call someone who can speak 2 languages?

Bilingual

What do you call someone who can only speak 1 language?

English

[cimt]

The following question was asked in a recent poll:

"Are there too many immigrants in the United Kingdom ?"
.
21% Said: Yes
.
.
17% Said: No
.
.
.
.

62% Said: عهد الأمن العالمي بواش

[Alien]

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lads, he's one of us!"

[Alien]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not Really, the man replies, "You see, that frog can't sing, the hamster is a ventriloquist."

[Woolly One]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace,
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr.Wallace, 'she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy,' replied Mr. Wallace, 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today's the viewing.'

[Orior]

Is a "viewing" some kind of religious custom?

[foreverwar]

Glesga Kaffliks did/do it all the time.

[Xaccers]

So it was an open casket service then?

[Orior]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Glesga Kaffliks did/do it all the time.

Then its called a wake, not a viewing.

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by Orior

Then its called a wake, not a viewing.

I always took the wake to be the gathering after the funeral/viewing.
All the wakes I've been to have been in the wake of a funeral

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viewing_%28funeral%29

[foreverwar]

Originally Posted by Orior

Then its called a wake, not a viewing.

Nah - we had a viewing at the funeral parlour for my mum (other people do at home, but that weirded me out); people coming in in ones or twos - a wake tends to be a party at home with the deceased present, but not actively taking part (see previous about "weirding out").

[Kevin T]

Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the West Berks County Show and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise!

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making:

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

[altis]

There were two parrots sitting on a perch when one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"