[Merged] Jokes Thread

[SOSAGES]

Originally Posted by Uncle Peter

Why does Edward Woodward have four D's in his name?

.....Well If he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar

must be a bug but did someone just do the Ewar Woowar joke?

[Uncle Peter]

Originally Posted by SOSAGES

must be a bug but did someone just do the Ewar Woowar joke?

Sorry, it's the medication. The alternative was the M.A.B. Itsabighorse joke.

[SOSAGES]

knock knock
who is it?
doctor
doctor who?
how did you guess!

[foreverwar]

run away!!!!!!!

---------- Post added at 16:28 ---------- Previous post was at 15:52 ----------

Blonde: I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars.
Tech: Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is.
Blonde: Okay, but they show up even when nobody is standing behind me.

------------------------------------------

A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. He tells the bartender, "This is my pet. His name is Tiny."
The bartender says, "Why'd you name him Tiny?"
"Because he's my newt!"

------------------------------------------

John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, "Gross!"

The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"

[goldoni]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try". "That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember".

[goldoni]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Mr_love_monkey]

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Death.

Death wh-

[foreverwar]

Yay!!

At last.....

He must have hit the save button as he slumped over the keyboard.

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

He must have hit the save button as he slumped over the keyboard.

"Its how he would have wanted to go"

[foreverwar]

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

"Its how he would have wanted to go"

Rats - he's still here.

I knew I wouldn't get what I wanted for Christmas.



Only joking - I would miss you.


But I would get the sights adjusted, and I wouldn't miss you the next time.

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

I knew I wouldn't get what I wanted for Christmas.

You mean you didn't want the collection of white dog poo I've sent you?

I thought you wanted to be a collector of the pure?

[foreverwar]

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

You mean you didn't want the collection of white dog poo I've sent you?

I thought you wanted to be a collector of the pure?

I thought they were stale white chocolate doughnuts - ooops.

[Alien]

What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm?
The Groom.

What do you call a Welshman with two sheep under his arms?
A pimp.

A man is visiting his Welsh cousin’s farm and the farmer shows him the chicken sheds, the pig pens, the paddocks and so on.
Finally he points to a tree about 30 feet away and tells him:
"Under that tree is where I first had sex."
Then the farmer points to another tree and says: "…and that’s where her mother stood and watched us."
The guy gasps and asks the Welsh farmer, "what did her mother say?"
The farmer grins, and replies "baaa."

What’s the difference between chavs and yoghurt?
Yoghurt has culture.

What do a chav and a sperm have in common?
Both have something like a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

[cimt]

This is a quite long read but it's worth it.
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the ****.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

[Alien]