[Merged] Jokes Thread

[TheDaddy]

Stole this joke from another site, thought it was pretty good

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Gordon Brown's?" asked the man.

"Gordo's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[bw41101]

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who'll listen all night long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he may be gainfully employed,
So when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac, with huge hooters who owns a pub and a betting shop. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

Si thee

[Derek S]

Gillian Gibbons is appealing against her sentence.

She reckons the 15 days in a Sudanese jail was fair but being deported to Liverpool is excessive punishment.

[Alien]

Originally Posted by Derek S

Gillian Gibbons is appealing against her sentence.

She reckons the 15 days in a Sudanese jail was fair but being deported to Liverpool is excessive punishment.

I know this was just a joke, but the fact that she spent any time in jail is beyond absurd.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

I recently purchased a teddy bear for £10 . I called it Mohammed , then sold it for £15, my question is have I made a prophet ?

[bw41101]

Three Scots and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." With that, the door opens a few inches and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English see this and agree it's a clever idea. So after the match, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots (on the return trip) to save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket. However, to their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and learn," says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three English cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves the toilet and walks over to the one where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Watch and learn - Jimmy!

[darthlinux]

3 flies in a airing cupboard which one is in the army?


the one on the tank

[Hom3r]

Master Card Wedding

You got to love this guy.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "---- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "---- you!" Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning.

While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card

"PRICELESS" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends:
$32,000...

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000...

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui :
$8,500...

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man:
Priceless...

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - - What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[bw41101]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting (opposite him) at an adjacent table. He has been checking her out since he sat down and even though it is obvious that she is alone, he lacks the nerve to talk to her.

Suddenly (without warning) she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place . "please let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams with him and he shares his with her.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come back to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast, he agrees and they had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed, everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .it's just so happened you caught my eye."

Si thee

[Woolly One]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

[Topgun]

Did you hear that Swampy died of a heart attack today?


Apparantly they offered him a by pass but he refused.

[cimt]

Men have the better friends...

There’s been strong debate over the years as to which sex has the better friends. Women claim to be closer and men claim to stick together. After many polls, surveys, and statistics the speculation is over. One particular case sums it up…

Women’s Friends
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.

Men’s Friends
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[bw41101]

The Magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. As the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

However, The captain's parrot (who resided in an aviary inside the theatre) saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick and once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one night (after a fierce storm) the ship sank.

As luck would have it, the magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with (believe it or not), the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:


"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

Si thee

[iadom]

Ron's present
A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers.
Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Kate,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Uncle Peter]

Why does Edward Woodward have four D's in his name?

.....Well If he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar