[Merged] Jokes Thread

[foreverwar]

Originally Posted by Mr_love_monkey

But it was the rabbit saying that... durrrrr

He'd spent too much time with the snake......

OK, then - the blind bunny should have said "if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all".

[bw41101]

The kind of diet every woman can identify with......



This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day.


BREAKFAST

* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skimmed milk


LUNCH

* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit


AFTERNOON TEA

* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping


DINNER

* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 Snickers bars


LATE NIGHT SNACK

* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)


REMEMBER:
"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts”.

Personally I hate Pizza (Sh*T cakes) so this particular diet wouldn't suit me.

Si thee

[Web-Junkie]

Originally Posted by Nidge

Politically incorrect but so true!!!



Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, green, and I pink
it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.

I think this piccy is the proof:

[goldoni]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

[bw41101]

Paddy and Mick were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

With that the blonde took an adjustable spanner from out of her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She then got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

She then put the items in her bag, smiled Then, walked off.

Mick then says to Paddy, "Isn't that just typical a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."



Si thee

[Derek S]

In a survey of UK football fans, Liverpool fans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries firm 86% of Liverpool
fans said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't even been to prison yet

[cimt]

The three lions on the England badge are now going to be changed to three tampons after the terrible period lately

Cheap and tacky but someone has to make a joke of it


I'll get my coat...

[mrmistoffelees]

Originally Posted by cimt

The three lions on the England badge are now going to be changed to three tampons after the terrible period lately

Cheap and tacky but someone has to make a joke of it


I'll get my coat...

Well they have played like a complete bunch of fannies.........

[cimt]

A letter from Osama Bin Laden!

To: All Al Queda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few
concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster ... have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halaal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SHAGS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain, so stop that nonsense. Thanks

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.

Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore

[lostandconfused]

Boy 'O' (who cannot be named for legal reasons) a rather violent, seven-year old was at the centre of a Merthyr Tyddfil Matrimonial Court drama this morning, when he challenged the court ruling over whom should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his Aunty Gwladys, in keeping with child custodial law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his Aunty Gwladys actually beat him more than his parents did and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, Myfanwy & Trefor, the boy cried and said that they too would often beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two adjournments to check legal references and confer with the Department of Social Services child welfare workers and also Save the Children consultants, the judge granted temporary custody to the ENTIIRE England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

His social worker, a very sexy Amanda McClaren (who can be named for Publicity purposes) said in a husky voice: "I'm so glad that the court has decided to listen to the little boy's plea - he has a very, very wise head on those wee shoulders. It is true that England have not beaten anyone since 1966."


****takes cover behind the sofa, ready for the onslaught!****

[bw41101]

It's a rather wet and miserable afternoon and a husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, along with their nine children. After a few minutes, a blind man joins them in the queue. :
When the bus arrives, it becomes apparent that there's only enough room for ten people, so the wife and the kids get to ride on the bus, leaving the husband and the (now most unhappy) blind man with no alternative but to walk.

So the two men set off in the same direction as the bus. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the blind man's stick constantly tapping on the pavement, and says to him, "Oi mate, your stick tap - tapping on the pavement is really getting on my wick, can't you stick some rubber on the end or something?"

With this, the blind man replies, "What! you've got a flaming nerve whining about my stick tapping! try (perhaps) thinking about the fact that if you'd have put some rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd ALL be riding the bus...!

Si thee

[Graham M]

Originally Posted by bw41101

It's a rather wet and miserable afternoon...

LOL!

[foreverwar]

A traffic policeman pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Actually, Constable, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the 2nd ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £60 fine and three points."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt while you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the 3rd ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[goldoni]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well". "Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. 'PLEASE' let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, "Himself...."

"Sweetheart,Work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket !"

[Graham M]

LOL @ Both