[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Derek S]

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains.

Stop messing about and hand me the detonators

[ikthius]

4x4 for sale...
slight overheating problem...
goes like a bomb


ik

[pedantic]

Liverpool airport was put on a high security alert late last night. A suspicious vehicle was found with 4 wheels, tax, MOT and insurance.

[xpod]

to realise that Allah is actually black.

Naa...i just wondered how long it would be before someone was observant enough to point out the Indian problem,i did change the joke from it`s original Pakistani origins just to add the VM angle so i half expected to be shown the error of my ways


Anyway......moving on
Whats pink & wrinkled and hangs out your underpants in the morning??

Your mother.

[iadom]

Paddy ( Irish joke BTW) is in bed late at night, the neighbours dog is barking so loud it is keeping him and his missus awake. After an hour or so he jumps out of bed, "I'm going to fix that bloody animal once and for all". He comes back to bed and five minutes later the dog is barking as loud as ever. "I thought you had sorted it" said his wife, " to be sure I did, I brought it into our garden , lets see how they like it"

Jim.

[Alien]

I knew someone who did circumcisions on elephants.

He said the money was poor but the tips were huge.....

[Gareth]

Originally Posted by iadom

Paddy ( Irish joke BTW) is in bed late at night, the neighbours dog is barking so loud it is keeping him and his missus awake. After an hour or so he jumps out of bed, "I'm going to fix that bloody animal once and for all". He comes back to bed and five minutes later the dog is barking as loud as ever. "I thought you had sorted it" said his wife, " to be sure I did, I brought it into our garden , lets see how they like it"

Jim.

I thought this sounded familiar....

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34328604-post767.html

[David F]

A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included 20 Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.


At a reception, he found himself standing with a huge group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks,but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages.
"Americans learn only English!"

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in
these conferences, rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
You could have heard a pin drop.

[iadom]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

"Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your @#$%& and go as a toffee apple."

[David F]

Jim and Karen were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.
Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Karen's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Karen the news she said, "Karen, I have good
news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you
have
a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."
Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

[bw41101]

A man parks deliberately within a disabled area of a supermarket. As he moves away from his car a jobs worth in a uniform shouts at him and barks "EXCUSE ME SIR BUT DO YOU REALISE THAT PARKING SPACE IS FOR DISABLE PEOPLE"? The man replies calmly and says "yes I do" whereupon the jobs worth retorts "WELL YOU DON'T LOOK DISABLED TO ME - SIR..!" The man (again) calmly replies "but I can assure you I am" With this the jobs worth (getting agitated by the minute) again barks at the man "WHAT'S YOU DISABLEMENT THEN - SIR....!"

With this,the man then replies "TOURETTE'S YOU ******* ****** NOW **** OFF AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS - ****...!

Hope I don't end up in the hits (anag) for this one

Si thee

[Derek S]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said:
"Stop. Don’t do it."
"Why shouldn’t I?" he asked.
"Well, there’s so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said: "Yes."
I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

[bw41101]

A Bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather fetching blonde (standing behind him) has just raised her hand and mouthed hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a good-looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Excuse me but, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

Suddenly (breaking out in a cold sweat) his mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Goodness!" he says "I think I remember now, you're that stripper on my stag night that I bo**ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates, whilst your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my b#m?"
\
/
\
/
\
/
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher"

Si thee

[Stuart C]

An old one:

Four people are on a train. An Englishman, a Welshman, a young lady and an old lady.

All of a sudden, the train goes into to a tunnel, and the lights go out. Everyone hears a slap, and the train comes out of the tunnel.

The Old lady looks and the Englishman and thinks he slapped the young lady. The young lady looks at the Welshman and thinks he slapped the old lady.

The Englishman looks at the Welshman and thinks "I hope we go into a tunnel again, so I can slap him again".

[foreverwar]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?"

The guy beside him stiffens. "Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds. I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin' next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny, do you still want to tell your little joke?"

To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

-----------------------------------

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, eh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus," the bird answered.

-------------------------------------

Two atoms are walking down the street when they run into each other. The first says to the second, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."

"I'm not feeling very well," says the second atom. "I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" asks the first.

"Yeah, I'm positive!"