[Merged] Jokes Thread

[foreverwar]

An Irish woman with a husband of advancing age, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[Ramrod]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child
lying in the manger. One of the wise men was
exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
> >> >
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph" It's better than Derek."

[Paul]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you "sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (bet you start humming it)

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Swiped from Neowin just for you.

[Orior]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

An Irish woman with a husband of advancing age, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

Why has someone taken the old joke about the womens institute meeting and made it an Irish joke?

[David F]

cuz they can

[foreverwar]

Originally Posted by Orior

Why has someone taken the old joke about the womens institute meeting and made it an Irish joke?

Got it from an American author's website - never seen the WI version

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by Orior

Why has someone taken the old joke about the womens institute meeting and made it an Irish joke?

So you'd miss that her nationality isn't anything to do with the punchline

[Orior]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Got it from an American author's website - never seen the WI version

Fair enough chief.

[Kevin T]

Down in the deep south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with ?"

P.S. No comments about budweiser being a pimp....

[Hom3r]

This is NOT a joke but is is funny

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

THEN...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the 2006 Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Hom3r

This is NOT a joke but is is funny

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

THEN...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the 2006 Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Must be a good five years ago I heard that true story

[Lew]

…and it's even older than that.

[foreverwar]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically - until now.

Which of the two birds Is a Female?

Below are two birds. Study them closely... see if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done - even by one with limited bird watching skills.

[Ramrod]

Interview at Labour HQ

A guy goes to the Labour Party for a job interview.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the armed services?"

"Yes "he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says, "Good, that will give you extra points toward employment, Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am".

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why do you want me to come in at 10:00? "

"This is a Labour Party job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that".

[SOSAGES]

after 44 pages i think we have used up every joke (i use that term losely)