[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Gareth]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by hiswife dressed in a very Sexynightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First,of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER Listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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[Kevin T]

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman wouldn't employ him until he passed a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question:
same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying:

Spoiler: 

"A little dog came along and cr*pped by each tree. So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred...."

[jellybaby]

[Orior]

Interesting indeed. The Orish say dirty tree and a turd, whereas the cockey sparrow would say furtay free and fared. Can anyone here talk propa?

[homealone]

Originally Posted by Orior

Interesting indeed. The Orish say dirty tree and a turd, whereas the cockey sparrow would say furtay free and fared. Can anyone here talk propa?

I shouldn't, & apologies where due, but the phonetic version of an accent that always cracks me up is 'fern curls' courtesy of our friends from Hull

[jellybaby]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".

He takes her hand and says "Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea," and then.....he said with a deep sigh

"............let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Kevin T]

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is walking down the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then.

Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the globe".

A few seconds later the World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm a World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to 'Wasp sounds from around the globe', and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps returns to the headphones and listens to some more of the recording. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the globe" and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:

Spoiler: 

"I'm terribly sorry sir; I seem to have played you the bee side"

[danielf]

Originally Posted by Cobbydaler

<snip>

OMG! That has got to be the worst joke I've heard in decades

[Halcyon]

Dear oh dear

[Russ B]

....if ever there was a case for bringing back capital punishment.....

[Kevin T]

Guilty as charged...

Maybe change the thread title to 'Good Jokes Thread'...

[Orior]

That reminds me.... I once bought a 45" record by Frank Sinatra.
It had "She's leaving me" on the front side, and "I wonder who's kissing her now" on the back side.

[TheDaddy]

Edingburgh Fringe Quotes...

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child...well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" Andyou murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I wentinto Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic, Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station, Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation- but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to gothrough a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained forthat.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[danielf]

A blind man walks into a supermarket with his guide dog. Standing in the middle of the aisle, he starts swinging his dog around over his head. A startled member of staff approaches the man and asks: 'What are you doing sir?'. The man replies: 'Oh, I'm just having a look around'.

[foreverwar]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!'”
==========================

A man was being examined by his doctor when the doctor stopped, stared the man in the eyes and very seriously intoned, "You are going to have to quit masturbating!"
The man looked back at the doctor and said, "Why, will I grow hair on my palms?"
The doctor replied, "No... that's just a myth, but it IS interfering with the examination, so please stop!"
==========================

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One day, she was talking to her preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.
The females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?"
One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
===========================

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!