[Merged] Jokes Thread

[punky]

Got sent this by (an obviously well-raised) girl Some of it is old but some are new and very funny...

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Hom3r]

Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics



Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

• Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.â€Â�
• Dressage commentator: “This is a really lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.â€Â�
• Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and farther.â€Â�
• Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.â€Â�
• Softball Announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.â€Â�
• Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.â€Â�
• At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.â€Â�
• Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.â€Â�
• Tennis Commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?â€Â�

[me283]

There was also the comment about Alberto Juantorena, the famous Cuban runner:

"...as he opens his legs and shows his class..."

[Hom3r]

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal



The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.



1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?�



2. “The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?�



3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?�



4. “Were you alone or by yourself?�



5. “Was it you our your younger brother who was killed in the war?�



6. “Did he kill you?�



7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?�



8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?�



9. “How many times have you committed suicide?�



10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?�

A: “Yes.�

Q: “And what were you doing at the time?�



11. Q: “She had three children, right?�

A: “Yes.�

Q: “How many were boys?�

A: “None.�

Q: “How many were girls?�



12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?�

A: “Yes.�

Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?�



13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didn’t you?�

A: “I went to Europe, Sir.�

Q: “And you took your new wife?�



14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?�

A: “By death.�

Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?�



15. Q: Can you describe the individual?�

A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.�

Q: “Was this a male, or a female?�



16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?�

A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.�



17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?�

A: “All my autopsies are preformed on dead people.�



18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?�

A: “Oral.�



19. Q: “Do you recall the time you examined the body?�

A: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?�

Q: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.�



20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?�

A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.�



21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?�

A: “I have been since early childhood.�



22. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?�

A: “No.�

Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?�

A: “No.�

Q: “Did you check for breathing?�

A: “No.�

Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?�

A: “No.�

Q: “How can you be sure, doctor?�

A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.�

Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?�

A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.�

[Hom3r]

I'll get my coat ready

[me283]

Why did the ant stop climbing up the elephant's leg?

It got p***ed off...

[Hom3r]

What the diffetence between a Durex & a coffin?

ONE you come in one you go in.
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What do Durex & coffins have in common?

Both have stiffs in
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Why did the Durex fly across the room?

It was p***ed off.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

A bald dog get onto a bus in Liverpool and goes straight to the back of the bus and sits down.

The bus driver shouts "Hey, wheres your fur mate?"

[big J]

woke up this morning thinking i had that bird flu........................i just felt a little peckish

[Angua]

Originally Posted by big J

woke up this morning thinking i had that bird flu........................i just felt a little peckish

Nice 1st post!

[big J]

thank you very much

[MadGamer]

Why couldnt the 11yr old boy get into the Pirate Movie?

Because it was rated arrrrr

[Lew]

The Football Association, which is building the new Wembley Stadium has announced a five-year sponsorship deal with Microsoft. It is believed to be worth £5m.

The new Wembley Stadium opens next year around the same time as Windows Vista. It is, of course, well known for being notoriously late, over budget and subject to much wrangling over the design. The new Wembley Stadium has had its problems too.

[Hom3r]

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when the first one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condoms, and put the cigarette butts in, roll it up and dispose of it later.;
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at the chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'What can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
the pharmacist was truley flabbergasted by this time was almost afraid to ask more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certian, perhaps you could recommend a good size for Camel?'


(FYI CAmel is a brand of cigarette)

[Nidge]

Politically incorrect but so true!!!



Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, green, and I pink
it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.