[Merged] Jokes Thread

[marky]

(welsh joke)


what's the difference between a buffalo and a byson ?

A) you can't wash your hands in a buffalo

[Angua]

What do you get if you sit under a cow?




A pat on the head!

[theman]

JOKE

[Hom3r]

Don't know if this has been poted before

Keeping watching till the end

[Hom3r]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER



December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I’m so glad we moved here. I love the snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry; we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbour.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8� last night. The temperature dropped to -20°. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realise I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think, was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14� of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s**t fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p**s. By the time I got undressed, ****ed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the a*****e is lying.

December 23: Only 2� of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she... nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6�. Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I’ll drag him through the snow by his b***s. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplough.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the friggin slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. S**t I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life� one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -50° and the pipes froze,

December 28: Warmed up to above -30°. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does that b*****d think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplough driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9� predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Ramrod]

British Telecom confirms 5th satisfied customer

[Ramrod]

The technology behind Google's great results

[Dave Stones]

wonder who gets the lucky job of cleaning that room then?

work experience boy?

[marky]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The technology behind Google's great results

now i am confused i thaught they used spiders

[Dave Stones]

Originally Posted by marky

now i am confused i thaught they used spiders

the pigeons ate them all...

[me283]

I know it's old, but...

My doctor told me my arm was broken in 3 places. I won't be going to those places again...

[marky]

I just got this e-mail


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids,
or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return.

As so on as she finished her
speech,.......................................

all the men started clapping their hands.......

SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN,
SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY
AND ALSO SEND TO THE FEW MEN WHO'VE GOT
A SENSE OF HUMOR AND APPRECIATION
OF THE FEMALE SPECIES

[me283]

Originally Posted by marky

SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN,
SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY
AND ALSO SEND TO THE FEW MEN WHO'VE GOT
A SENSE OF HUMOR AND APPRECIATION
OF THE FEMALE SPECIES

You mean both of them...

[gazzae]

The Irish daughter, Colleen, had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex,and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. ...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Colleen, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - you scared me half to death, Girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
__________________

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I’m Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

[marky]

Ok people i want to wind my wife up, so i need some mother in law jokes please