[Merged] Jokes Thread

[1701-e]

Just told my wife I don't want to be with her anymore because of her obsession with Will Young. She replied I think I better leave right now

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My mate packed in his job at McDonalds. He couldn't take it any more. He said the boss was a clown.

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Grammar. The difference between knowing your sh i t and knowing you're sh i t.

[Sox]

GOOD:
A traffic cop had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'SPEED TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer also found the boy had an accomplice, who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.


BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a £60 speeding ticket and a picture of his car speeding through an automated camera, was included.
Being cute, he sent the police a picture of three £20 notes.
The police responded with photos of handcuffs and the inside of a Magistrates Court.


BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
The traffic cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's Ball."
He replied, "Policeman don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

[thenry]

A newspaper reporter goes to a mental hospital to see exactly how things are done there and how a mental patient is actually determined to be mental.

So he mets the head doctor and the conversation goes like this;

Reporter: "So can you please tell me how do you decide that a patient is actually mental?"

Doctor: "Well we go into the bathroom and fill the bathtub and put a spoon a cup and a big bucket on the floor and ask the patient which one will emtpy the bathtub the fastest?"

Reporter: "So when the patient says the big bucket then you know the patient isnt mental?"

Doctor: "No when the patient pulls the plug in the bathtub then we know he is not mental, by the way we have a spare bed by the window if your interested!!!!"

[Kymmy]

Yet another test is whether you post the same joke as what was posted in this thread in 2007 and again in 2009

[thenry]

[carlwaring]

I kinda feel sorry for James Murdoch. He just couldn't hack it!





(Not mine, and slightly re-worked)

[Cobbydaler]

A 30 stone man was walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that read:

I hip hop

A guy walked up to him & said, "You don't look the sort to dance to Hip Hop"

The man looked down & said:

"Damn, The C & S have fallen off"...

[Cobbydaler]

The difference between men & women:

[Anonymouse]

Just found this - Unix Commands For Sex:

gawk; grep; unzip; touch; strip; init,
uncompress, gasp; finger; find,
route, whereis, which, mount; fsck; nice,
more; yes; gasp; umount; head, halt,
renice, restore, touch, whereis, which,
route, mount,
more, yes, gasp, umount, expand, ping,
make clean; sleep

- and there you are!

[Derek]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

[Derek]

Shaggy. Who knows the abbreviation for "Rhinoceros".
Scooby."Rhino"
Shaggy."ok what is it scoob?"

[Peter_]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)
listserv | Unknown | AP
Posted on 28 April 2006 01:09:36 by Chickensoup
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Palm Springs, CA, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

[Derek]

How many G4S employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

4 soldiers and a Policeman.

[heero_yuy]

A skellaton goes into a bar with a bucket and mop.

Stupid joke that was on breakfast TV a while ago. Many people just didn't get it.

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by heero_yuy

A skellaton goes into a bar with a bucket and mop.

Stupid joke that was on breakfast TV a while ago. Many people just didn't get it.

The way I heard it: "... walks into a bar with a mop and orders a beer."