[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Gary L]

I'm not feeling myself today. I haven't felt myself all day. I wasn't feeling myself yesterday either. I'll probably be alright tomorrow and back to feeling myself again.

[Kymmy]

I saw this one and thought of Russ...sowwy Russ

...And on the seventh day....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"
... ... ... ...
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth."For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things".

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's England , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, valleys, forests, hills, and fields of green. The people from England are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "I will create Wales . Wait till you see the plonkers I put there.."

[1701-e]

Took my gran to that Dignitas place for her final hours.
Went down for for breakfast but they only served Cheerios.

[thenry]

I was working out in the gym when I spotted a gorgeous young lady...

I asked the trainer who was near by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked me up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

I saw this one and thought of Russ...sowwy Russ

For every bad joke told about a welsh man. a sheep gets it

[Kymmy]

Originally Posted by 1701-e

Took my gran to that Dignitas place for her final hours.
Went down for for breakfast but they only served Cheerios.

Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot"

[LondonRoad]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot"

But some of us didn't and appreciate being kept in the loop

[1701-e]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot"

The person who texted the joke to me perhaps

[thenry]

Can you spell "COW " in thirteen letters??





"SEE O DOUBLE-YOU..."

[Sox]

I put an ad in the classifieds on thursday

Wife wanted


on Saturday I got over 100 replies saying 'You can have mine'

[MarkC1984]

Hopefully this won't offend anyone. Apologies if it does it is not intentional.


Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys.
“What are you here for?” Asked the first child.
“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.
“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”
The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?”
“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child.
“Oh my God,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born! I did not walk for a year!”

[1701-e]

The wife gave me £50 to go and get something to make her look sexy.

you should have seen her face when i came back p!ssed!

[Sox]

A personal message to you from David Cameron……





The UK is in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is



approximately 60 million.





32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.


Leaving 512,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your arris,

At your computer, reading jokes.


Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[pabscars]

Whats round and growls

Spoiler: 

A vicious circle

[1701-e]

Got my valentines card from moonpig yesterday......she hates it when i call her that!