[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Nugget]

Originally Posted by huxleypiguk

There was a Scotsman a Northern Irishman and Welshman in a bar. Well thats Euro 2012 for you.

(Thought I'd drop that in as I am sick of the Welsh people around me forgetting their past performances in the Rugby World Cup and believing that they are the only home country to ever get to the semi finals)

My emphasis

[huxleypiguk]

Fair point, me bad...

[Kingofthedead4]

Following on from the discovery that its possible to go faster than the speed of light, scientists today found a temperature lower than Absolute Zero.

It was observed in a sausage roll from Greggs.

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Kingofthedead4

Following on from the discovery that its possible to go faster than the speed of light, scientists today found a temperature lower than Absolute Zero.

It was observed in a sausage roll from Greggs.

Someone else reads sikipedia i see! Lol.

[Sox]

I called the weight loss company and ordered their 5-Day,10LB weight loss programme.
The next day,there was a knock on the door and there stood a voluptous athletic 20-Year-Old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of 'Nike' running shoes and a sign round her neck.She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign read:"If you can catch me,you can have me."
Without a second thought,I took off after her.A few miles up the road,huffing and puffing,I finally caught up with her and had my wicked way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happend.
On the fifth day,I weighed myself and was delighted to find that I had lost the 10LBS as promised.



A week later,I called the company and ordered their 5-Day/20LB loss programme.
The next day there's a knock on the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful,sexy woman I had ever seen in my life.She is wearing nothing but 'Reebok' running shoes and a sign round her neck that read: " If you catch me you can have me,"
Well,I'm out the door and after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it took me a while to catch her; But when I did, it was definietly worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to my delight, on the fifth day I weighed myself to discover that I had lost the 20LB as promised.



A week later,I decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-Day/50LB Programme.
"Are you quite sure?" asked the representitive on the phone - "This is our most rigorous programme."
"Absolutely," I said, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock on the door.When I opened it I found a huge,muscular,6'6" hairy man wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign round his neck that read: "I'm Troy,If I catch you,Your mine......

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Sox

I called the weight loss company and ordered their 5-Day,10LB weight loss programme.
The next day,there was a knock on the door and there stood a voluptous athletic 20-Year-Old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of 'Nike' running shoes and a sign round her neck.She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign read:"If you can catch me,you can have me."
Without a second thought,I took off after her.A few miles up the road,huffing and puffing,I finally caught up with her and had my wicked way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happend.
On the fifth day,I weighed myself and was delighted to find that I had lost the 10LBS as promised.



A week later,I called the company and ordered their 5-Day/20LB loss programme.
The next day there's a knock on the door and there stands the most stunning,beautiful,sexy woman I had ever seen in my life.She is wearing nothing but 'Reebok' running shoes and a sign round her neck that read: " If you catch me you can have me,"
Well,I'm out the door and after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it took me a while to catch her; But when I did, it was definietly worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to my delight, on the fifth day I weighed myself to discover that I had lost the 20LB as promised.



A week later,I decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-Day/50LB Programme.
"Are you quite sure?" asked the representitive on the phone - "This is our most rigorous programme."
"Absolutely," I said, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock on the door.When I opened it I found a huge,muscular,6'6" hairy man wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign round his neck that read: "I'm Troy,If I catch you,Your mine......

LMFAO!

[Hom3r]

Response that Justin Bieber may have become a father

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EytotH8BENI

[thenry]

Channel 5 and ITV 4 set to launch new Manchester-based reality show TOWIE - The Only Way Is Europa

[Sox]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'.... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds...

Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation
of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by Sox

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

That was a big let down. I expect she dumped him too.

[thenry]

[Sox]

An inscription problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

---------- Post added at 16:02 ---------- Previous post was at 16:01 ----------

True stupid stories 01
Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

[Kymmy]

Taken from a yahoo group... apologies if it's been posted before

"Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland "

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."

"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4.00 euro for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"Yes sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro" said the barman - smiling.

[Sox]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door,
whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ....'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:


ID10T


Other well-known problems are:

PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
PICNIC (Problem In Chair, Not In Computer)

[Sox]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.