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Newsflash!!
An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the Richter Scale hit Bolton last
Wednesday morning.
Casualties were spotted walking aimlessly around the streets shouting
'bang out of order' 'mental' and 'sorted'.
It is estimated that the damage could be in excess of £17.50. Numerous
priceless collections of mementoes from Corfu and Ibiza were damaged
beyond repair. Several areas of historic importance including the
chemist and the post office, the job centre and McDonalds were
destroyed. Many locals were awakened well before their Giros had
arrived.
Local resident, Kylie Brittany Smith, a 15 year old mother of four
said, "It was such a f***ing shock, our Chardonnay and Destiny ran into
my bedroom screaming, and my hands were shaking so much I had trouble
skinning up".
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 6000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help assist with the crisis. Rescue workers are
still searching through the rubble and have so far found several
Elizabeth Duke sovereign rings, benefit books, burnt puffa jackets and
Pound Stretcher ornaments.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal hopes to raise money, clothing and food parcels for those
unfortunate to have been caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most
urgently sought after; most urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits,
white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Reebok trainers. Food
parcels are also urgently needed, they include McCains Oven Chips, Aldi
beans, Monstermunch and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is also in short
supply especially Cider, White Lightning, Red Stripe and Special Brew.
Cash donations are also needed.
22p can buy a signing on pen, £2.50 buys a Jumbo Sausage Dinner, a
Fiver buys a sunbed session for the girls, £20 buys a fake MOT and £25
buys 200 Embassy Regal.
Your help is greatly appreciated.
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