Away in a Manger

DaiNasty · 20-12-2008, 11:27

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger
because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of
the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of
great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened
to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely
regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.
"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much
like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian
strife.
"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well
as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to
be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures
of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a
couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist
that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it
veered dangerously toward religion.
Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said.
"I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy,
uncaring society in winter," he explained.
"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.
"Whatever," said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus'
birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at
virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to
diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well,
then, she was all for them.
"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut
off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a
form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant
abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of
the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer
(or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed
to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.
An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been
busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether
the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.
"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the
use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes
carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out
two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal
space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments"
where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no
opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring
to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on
Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about
you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you
here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species,
maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our
Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped
patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess
religion?"
"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you
that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.
"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"
"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.
"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A
committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-
person among the lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done well
and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary
thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.
The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious
holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in
ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this
business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's
Greetings'?"
Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver
the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"
"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could
make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion
thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people
will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on
his birthday. That's not chopped liver."
"Let me get back to you," Mary said.