The Best Sayings going

[AndrewJ]

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences; he thought he was
God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was Not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate now!

20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

[Rob M]

30. I used to think it was a light at the end of the tunnel but it turned out to be some b*s*ard with a flashlight bringing me more work.

31. Confucious says: "Man who go camping with woman, have one intent."

32. Confucious also says: "Man who go through airport departure gate sideways is going to Bangkok."

33. If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, you obviously don't have a complete grasp of the situation.

34. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you still can't stand the heat, your house is on fire.

[Halcyon]

30. I used to think it was a light at the end of the tunnel but it turned out to be some b*s*ard with a flashlight bringing me more work.

LOL. Good stuff.

[Stuart C]

Another one (adapted from season 2 of Red Vs Blue)

35) I would trust my gut instinct, but sadly my gut doesn't know what the hell it's talking about.

[AndrewJ]

36. Listen to the leaders of your countries, then go out do the opposite and enjoy the working product.

[Millay]

I suppose this is the place I can take some quotes from my favourite comedy show. The show is 'two pints of larger and a packet of crisps.

1)"I can make you do anything I want until I’ve forgiven you. And that's the rule of a happy couple. Dennis Thatcher made his missus run the country. The least you can do is shut up."

Jonny

2)"Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger."

Janet


3)"Please don't argue with me. My brain's only just about capable of stopping me farting in front of you."

Jonny

4)"First comes University then comes a love of all things cardigan, then you end up on 'Countdown' talking to your spoon collection."

Donna

5)"Apparently it’s illegal to advertise yourself in phone boxes. Ask me why. I don’t know. British telecom do it."

Flo


courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk/twopints