Things that make you feel like a man

[Bifta]

(Nicked from another forum)

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to
kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the
ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -
as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other
rubbish : noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an
iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
like?

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it
says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed. However, the rest
of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you
are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item.

Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George it is
then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the worlds best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, i'm going in there for a huge, long, man-sized s***.

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

[Ramrod]

A good, hard sh*g..........











:

Originally Posted by Ramrod

A good, hard sh*g..........











:

[paulyoung666]

class

[Chimaera]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

A good, hard sh*g..........











:

Is that how you got your name?

[punky]

woot! 22/25. And if anyone actually came round for a sunday roast (which I can cook myself, but I probably shouldn't say that here) it would be 23/25.

*puts his hands on his hips, tilts his head up and to the side and poses*

Incidently, wimps just drop their stuff into the dumpsters. Real men lob it as far as they can. Just 'cause.

And a few that spring to my mind:

1. Replying "Oh, shut up you tart", when someone says: "but..."

2. Picking up food (without checking the price) from an aisle because you like it, not because it is the cheapest/most value for money.

3. Walking down the street barefoot.

I dare say i'll think of some more later.

[Ramrod]

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

'Kin right

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

Ha! 'Kin pansys.....chainsaws are where it's at

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing
rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
item

Class edit-- 'kin brilliant idea

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically,
makes you the worlds best driver.

'Course, I have a fork lift licence, so thats easy

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

(but loose the gut)

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"

Eventually educated Mandy about which tool is which so I could get things done quicker

Originally Posted by Chimaera

Is that how you got your name?

Oh behave!........

[Marge]

Originally Posted by punky

woot! 22/25. And if anyone actually came round for a sunday roast (which I can cook myself, but I probably shouldn't say that here)

No you shouldn't, I'm on my way

[Ramrod]

woot! 22/25. And if anyone actually came round for a sunday roast (which I can cook myself, but I probably shouldn't say that here) it would be 23/25.

I cook chicken soup!

[Richard M]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

I cook chicken soup!

Heh, I can gut fish and skin a freshly shot rabbit.
Stew anyone?

[Ramrod]

Originally Posted by Richard M

Heh, I can gut fish and skin a freshly shot rabbit.
Stew anyone?

I can probably remember how to do that but, nevertheless......

[homealone]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

I can probably remember how to do that but, nevertheless......

you need to watch the new series of 'Ray Mear's Bushcraft' - 8 o'clock Thursdays, BBC2

I don't know why, but survival skills have always interested me - I probably read 'Scouting for Boys' while too young - but I reckon being able to feed yourself, without help, is fundamental to feeling like a man

- apart from that, its #4 in Bifta's list - sharpening pencils with a knife, you get a much better point, that way

[Plonking]

you forgot:

- NEVER ASKING FOR HELP (even when you really need it)

all the hard guys and builders who i see at work never ask for help: i work in a petrol station and you get these huge guys with armfulls of food for lunch, and they won't even put it in a carrier bag, they prefer to drop it all on the floor and look stupid, lol

P

[Stuart C]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

'Kin right

I used to think that was a sign of true hardness until one of my friends (a rather short, although admittedly tomboyish, woman) downed a whole pint of Guinness in one (something which I do have trouble with).

Actually a couple of things that make me feel manly. Handling power tools, especially drills or saws.

Also, I find that lighting bonfires makes me feel manly. The fire I had going recently was 8 feet tall...

[Ramrod]

Originally Posted by homealone

you need to watch the new series of 'Ray Mear's Bushcraft' - 8 o'clock Thursdays, BBC2

Yep, Ray Mears is the man


edit--a colleague of mine from Zimbabwe once killed a wildebeest with a bow and arrow