It's not dead - it's resting! (NTHW history)

Richard M · 16-04-2004, 12:07

Quote:

From *******.

NTL Customer: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Miss...
NTL: What do you mean.

Customer: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

NTL: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.

Customer: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about NTHW what you purchased not 2 years ago from this very Internet.

NTL: Oh yes, NTHW. What's wrong with it?

Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

NTL: No, no it's resting, look!

Customer: Look my lad, I know a dead web site when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

NTL: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.

Customer: Resting?

NTL: Yeah, remarkable site this one, Nice motto, innit?

Customer: The Motto don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.

NTL: No, no -- it's just resting.

Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts at Screen) Hello NTHW! I've got a nice Customer problem for you when you wake up.

NTL: (jogging screen) There it moved.

Customer: No he didn't. That was you pushing the screen.

NTL: I did not.

Customer: Yes, you did. (lifts monitor up and shouts) Hello NTHW, NTHW (bangs it against counter) hello NTHW, wake up. NTHW. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead Web Site.

NTL: No, no it's stunned.

Customer: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. NTHW is definitely deceased. And when you bought it not more than 2 years ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long complaint,s session.

NTL: It's probably pining for the pre-buy out days.

Customer: Pining for the Pre-Buy out days, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment you bought it?

NTL: NTHW prefers kipping on its back, its a quiet site,but you get it started and vooom,its gone...

Customer: Look matey, NTHW wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.

NTL: It's not, it's pining.

Customer: It's not pining, it's passed on. This Web Site is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late Web site. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-Web site.

NTL: Well, I'd better replace it then.

Customer: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.

NTL: Sorry guv, we're right out of complaint web sites.

Customer: I see. I see. I get the picture.

NTL: I've got a Cut down version of NTHW.

Customer: Does it talk?

NTL: Not really, no.

Customer: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?

NTL: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to NTHELLWORLD.co.uk,they will replace your NTHW for you.

Customer: Nthellworld.co.uk eh?

NTL: Yeah.

Customer: All right. (Customer leaves)

CAPTION: A SIMILAR WEB SITE

(Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar WEB SITES Ltd'. Pull back from sign to see same Web Site. NTL now has moustache. Customer walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty NTHW still on the screen.)

Customer: Er, excuse me. This is Nthellworld.co.uk, is it?

NTL: No, no it's, er, *******oworld.

Customer: (to camera) That's NTL for you. (leaves)

Man in NTL uniform outfit standing at complaints desk for NTL. Customer approaches.

Customer: I wish to make a complaint.

NTL: I don't have to do this, you know.

Customer: I beg your pardon?

NTL: I'm a qualified brain surgeon. I only do this because I like being my own boss.

Customer: Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

NTL: Oh yeah, it's not easy to solve problems in thirty minutes.

Customer: Well I wish to make a complaint. NTL bought NTHW but i have now found myself deposited here in *******oworld.

NTL: No, this is NTHW.

Customer: (to camera) .I was told this was *******oworld

NTL: Well you can't blame NTL for that.

Customer: If this is *******world.co.uk, I shall return to the NTHW.

CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER .'

Customer walks into NTL again.

Customer: I understand that this is *******world.co.uk.

NTL: Yes.

Customer: Well, you told me it was *******oworld.

NTL: It was a pun.

Customer: A pun?

NTL: No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?

Customer: A palindrome?

NTL: Yes, yes.

Customer: It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of *******oworld would be dlrowollehltn. It don't work.

NTL: Look, what do you want?

Customer: No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.

Barcley Knapp: (coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly. Right get on with it. Get on with it,Close the lot down....