A little romantic advice needed...

[jrhnewark]

I need a little advice from - hopefully - people who've done this before and can pass on their experiences.

I'll start at the beginning. I've met a lovely girl, online, via friends - she's about a year and a half older than me, very attractive, clever, witty. We've been chatting for a while, had a bit of fun and it turns out that she feels the same about me.

So, all-in-all, I'd like to meet-up with her in person as soon as possible and woo her as best as I possibly can.

Which would be all well and good. Trouble is that she met someone else online at sometime in the past (I'd assume it wasn't that long ago, but I'm not sure) - and he broke her heart after not very long.

This isn't aided by the distance factor - she lives on the South Coast (near Portsmouth), I live in Nottinghamshire. Around four hours by train and both of us are only just learning to drive.

Thankfully, I must have done my good deed for the day one day and now there's a slight olive branch handed down - she has to go to university in the summer and it turns out, all being well, that we'll only be 60 miles - or even less - from each other. But that's next August - nine months away (not long enough, but there are logistics to think of before then).

I've promised to her faithfully that I do already really like her company and that I *won't* let her down or hurt her - and I know, I'm 100% sure, that I won't, because I know when I'm onto a good thing. But it's hard to express exactly how I feel without feeling as though I'm coming on far too strong (especially in the circumstances).

I just can't make her believe it for certain. I've got to not put a foot wrong and slowly gain her trust, hopefully enough so that in a few months she'll have built-up enough trust in me so that she'll meet with me - I was thinking a neutral halfway point?

I also gather that her parents are currently having problems with one another and that her father might be turning to drink - which isn't oh so helpful given that I want her to build-up her trust in men, not have it decayed any further!

Does anyone have any wise words on how best I should go about gaining her trust* and dealing with everything?

(*I realise that, in one way, this is a betrayal of trust. But I've been as vague as I possibly can - and I really do hope that someone on the 'outside' can see it all from a different point of view.)

.. And if you've read down this far, I owe you a pint. Thank you.

Best advise, be a very good listener, listen very carefully and digest every word, and try to understand everything she has said so far, and everything she will say soon.
Try not to take sides over any of her family issues, she'll be confused herself over her dad in any event, just be there for her, be the foundation so to speak to let her build trust upon.

[jrhnewark]

Thanks atlantis.

[Halcyon]

Ok I can only give you my opinion on this and thats all it is, but I've met some people online before and then met up with them for real and this is what I'm basing my reply on.

What I would suggest is that you meet up rather soonish. Its clear that both of you get on really well online and thats cool.
I sense you are mixed with your feelings as you yourself like her and would like to know where things can go from here.
Meeting up is the only thing you can do to see if things can progress.

However, you need to remember that speaking online and then face to face can be very different. People can sometimes be a lot different.
If you believe that you have the same interests and that you can still make it work in real life, then do meet up with her.

You might be best giving her a few phone calls to start to get to know her even better.

Hows about you do something for chrsitmas. Pick a place to meet up or go and see her one weekend.
Just take things slowly and see where things go.

I think its important you atleast meet her once some time soon as then you will be able to make up your mind more thoroughly as to where you two are heading and if you have anything that could form a relationship.

[danielf]

I've got to not put a foot wrong and slowly gain her trust, hopefully enough so that in a few months she'll have built-up enough trust in me so that she'll meet with me - I was thinking a neutral halfway point?

I've said it before (in other threads), but I'll repeat: be a gentleman, but be a man. Otherwise, I am afraid, the lady may walk right over you...

I'm not saying this is the case here, but it happens...

[jrhnewark]

Originally Posted by danielf

I've said it before (in other threads), but I'll repeat: be a gentleman, but be a man. Otherwise, I am afraid, the lady may walk right over you...

I'm not saying this is the case here, but it happens...

I understand where you're coming from.

But I know that she's not the type to walk all over me, whether purposefully or not - I think she's just very tender at the moment with a wound that hasn't healed yet. I want less than anything to pour salt into that wound.

[nffc]

Go for it.

[jrhnewark]

Thanks Halycon - I'm split. My gut instinct says that everything that you've said is spot on, my mind is totally split. But Christmas-ish is a little way off yet - maybe we'll be much closer by then. I've just got no idea how long things will take.

And thanks nffc - that's exactly what I intend to do.

[Halcyon]

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
You seem like a decent guy so take your time, get to know her well, and see how things develop.

[Cilonen]

Why not suggest you meet in London for the day to do some Xmas shopping?
You can use any reason from straight out wanting to meet her down to the old "I need some help with my mum's/sister's/gran's pressie, could you help?". A bit of chat about pressie ideas, and the possibility of going to LOndon, over the next couple of weeks will take any surprise/shock factor away - she may even suggest it herself.

Pretty much equal travel, little pressure (esp. if you suggest other friends tag along for the journey - they can always go off to shop by themselves).
This is also a great way to learn what each other likes in terms of gifts, really see what clothes suit people, etc.
Good chance to chat quietly over lunch/coffee/beer, show what a gent you are by opening doors, looking after her in the big city, etc.

Another good thing would be to disappear for 2 mins (use any excuse) and "buy" a card/small gift to thank her for a great day. She'll never know you didn't bring it with you as long as it's small enough to tuck away into a pocket. That will show your thoughtful side, and is considered an indicator of romantic potential (that's my other half giving pointers now ).

Overall though, be relaxed, be a gent, and DON'T EXPECT OR ASSUME ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN! Let nature take its course.

Hope everything goes ok for you mate time will tell, just remeber what has been said, go easy on her. Good luck mate.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

i'd suggest meeting somewhere half distance and as someone has suggested why not meet in London. I wouldnt use the "i need some help choosing xmas pressies" after all how can she help, she doesnt know the people your buying for.

Just come out with it, "i want to meet you to get to know you, would you like to spend a day with me in London". Then you can gain her trust by talking and most important of all Listening!! If i were you i'd also plan something to do for an hour or so, just to get things going, maybe go on the eye or something. Meeting for the first time without people you know around can be stressful for some people, giving them something else to think about can make the process more comfortable.

[jrhnewark]

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to change my tactics.

Thank you all for the very useful advice here (and that I've received via PM).

I'm trying to arrange it all neatly in my mind which is proving fairly hard - so I might as well 'write' it down. First off, I've made it fairly clear that I want to get into her pants (likewise, she's done the same, but that's not the point). This has probably led her to believe that I'm just being friendly for the chance of having a little commitment-less sex - which is what happened to her previously. I don't want this - I do want her sexually, but I don't want casual sex. So, firstly, I have to carefully and understandingly slip-in (pardon the pun) that I don't want commitment-less sex and that I don't expect her to sleep with me anytime soon.

Secondly, I have to be totally honest - totally - so that she can make up her own mind about me and not about some fake incarnation of who she thinks I am.

Thirdly, I have to listen and digest everything that she says to me.

Fourthly, it looks like a few phonecalls are in order. That'll probably be easier than chatting on MSN (which I find tiresome; not because of who I'm talking to, just because there's never any 'real' interaction), however much I hate talking on the phone.

Fifthly (it's not a word but I have a lot on my mind!), we do need to meet-up as soon as possible. London seems to be a good choice for doing this - it's halfway, there's plenty to do, and towards Christmas it's naturally romantic. It's the easiest place for not being stuck for something to do - if it's freezing then there's always Harrod's to look round.

Hopefully, by just being totally open and honest with her, she'll naturally learn to trust me.

That's after tonight. We had a good heart-to-heart last night and after a good think, there are a few things still to say (e.g. in more words or less, "I want a relationship and not just a good seeing-to").

Maybe that'll all work to plan - however long it all takes - maybe it won't.

Thank you all again.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

Be open and honest is the only thnig you need to do.

If you dont like the phone and MSN as you say gives you no interaction, it might be worth getting a web cam each, not ideal buy at least you get some visual feedback

[budwieser]

Originally Posted by Cilonen

Why not suggest you meet in London for the day to do some Xmas shopping?
You can use any reason from straight out wanting to meet her down to the old "I need some help with my mum's/sister's/gran's pressie, could you help?". A bit of chat about pressie ideas, and the possibility of going to LOndon, over the next couple of weeks will take any surprise/shock factor away - she may even suggest it herself.

Pretty much equal travel, little pressure (esp. if you suggest other friends tag along for the journey - they can always go off to shop by themselves).
This is also a great way to learn what each other likes in terms of gifts, really see what clothes suit people, etc.
Good chance to chat quietly over lunch/coffee/beer, show what a gent you are by opening doors, looking after her in the big city, etc.

Another good thing would be to disappear for 2 mins (use any excuse) and "buy" a card/small gift to thank her for a great day. She'll never know you didn't bring it with you as long as it's small enough to tuck away into a pocket. That will show your thoughtful side, and is considered an indicator of romantic potential (that's my other half giving pointers now ).

Overall though, be relaxed, be a gent, and DON'T EXPECT OR ASSUME ANYTHING WILL HAPPEN! Let nature take its course.

And Hold her hand.