Am I been unreasonable

broadbandking · 12-04-2011, 22:50

Me and the missus are looking get married next year well was, she first of all wanted a church wedding, so ok we look at the church and its very nice and then out of the blue she wants to get married abroad, she said because she saw my sisters wedding in florida, then all of a sudden she wants to get married over here but not in a church, yet again I am ok with the idea and then low and behold she decides mexico is where she wants to get married and this is for me I am not wanting to get married abroad and had enough ****ing around, I however have prosped the idea to my family but they can't afford it and I want my family there, so I told the missus and she has not point blank refused to marry me unless its abroad.

I want my family there and they only way is to get married here, am I been unreasonable.

haydnwalker · 12-04-2011, 22:56

No you definitely are not being unreasonable. Its not just HER wedding (in my opinion) its YOURS TOO!

We got Married 2 years ago, and although I thought it might be nice to get married abroad, I wanted my family there and they couldn't afford it either.

Also, theres lots of things to consider when marrying abroad, sometimes they aren't legally binding, so you have to get married again once you return to the UK (I think that depends on the country you get married in

)

Would her family be willing to shell out on the expense of you getting married abroad? I would doubt it really.

Would your fiancee want to get married without friends/family there? If so it isn't going to be much of a celebration...

How about suggesting that you get married here in the UK and then have a blessing/renew your vows on your honeymoon (which could be wherever you want...)?

Raistlin · 12-04-2011, 22:59

I don't think so.

Marriage should be a partnership. You want your family at the wedding, and you say the the only way to accomplish that is to get married in this country (unless she fancies paying for them all to travel).

I guess all you can do is reiterate hom important it is to you that your family are with you on your special day, tell her that you do love her and want to marry her, but that you won't do that if it means your family can't be there.

Try to compromise, marry here but go somewhere special for your honeymoon and maybe have a discreet and romatic ceremony abroad (not a wedding, perhaps a blessing of some sort) just for the two of you.

martyh · 12-04-2011, 23:03

This is your first test ,marriage is all about compromise and give and take ,the only way to solve the issue is to tell her how you feel and work something out

good luck ,hope it all goes well

broadbandking · 13-04-2011, 10:37

She now saying that I am putting my families feelings before hers, but the way I see it is I want my family there and if it means we get married here then so be it but she can't see this and now wants a serious talk with me regarding this.

**Stuart** · 13-04-2011, 10:43

Sounds like she is putting her feelings before yours.

**Chris** · 13-04-2011, 10:49

And she is putting her feelings before yours. As others have said, a good marriage is based on mutual respect and an understanding of how to compromise. To a certain extent it is also, whether she likes it or not, a joining of two families.

In setting her feelings against your parents' and demanding you choose which is more important, I'm sorry but in my view she's just using cheap emotional blackmail to get her way over yours. That is no basis for a lifelong marriage relationship.

Don't take this as a loaded question, I think it's good to establish:

Why are you getting married?

broadbandking · 13-04-2011, 10:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuart

Sounds like she is putting her feelings before yours.

That's my views, its really putting me off getting married, she like this wedding is about us no one else, so if I am included in this us part then my feelings should considered.

---------- Post added at 10:52 ---------- Previous post was at 10:49 ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

And she is putting her feelings before yours. As others have said, a good marriage is based on mutual respect and an understanding of how to compromise. To a certain extent it is also, whether she likes it or not, a joining of two families.

In setting her feelings against your parents' and demanding you choose which is more important, I'm sorry but in my view she's just using cheap emotional blackmail to get her way over yours. That is no basis for a lifelong marriage relationship.

Don't take this as a loaded question, I think it's good to establish:

Why are you getting married?

At this moment in time Chris I don't know, my reason for me getting married before was because I love her and want to spend my life with her, but she doesn't see it like that just that she wants it her way.

**Chris** · 13-04-2011, 10:57

It's hard for anyone on a forum to advise you wisely because we don't know either of you, but you do need to be sure of your motives and hers.

I'm puzzled as to why she's made such an issue out of going to Mexico, even knowing how unhappy it would make you, when she doesn't actually seem to know what she wants (having changed her mind a number of times already). Do you know her motives for marrying you? (Sorry, again, I know that sounds loaded, but I think it may be time for some serious soul-searching here).

pabscars · 13-04-2011, 11:10

Your not being unreasonable to want your family there, you have to come to some compromise where you are both happy.

If you cant then it begs the question are you ready for marriage IMO.

An alternative though would be to get married in Mehico and then have a civil ceremony over here for all your family to attend afterwards.

Or suggest getting married over here and having your honey moon in Mexico.

Just a thought

peanut · 13-04-2011, 11:14

My first wedding was the big do, church with all family and friends, cost a small fortune at the time, sure it was a good day but it was nothing compared to my 2nd wedding day. Just the 2 of us and 'a' friend. By far more memorable, and it was exactly what we both wanted. No fuss, no hassles, the day was about us and not about making everyone else happy.

Compromise is the only answer.

Good luck.

Peter_ · 13-04-2011, 11:17

We got married in Gretna and never took anyone with us, we had the staff as our witnesses because it was in October and the were no tourists around.

Everyone knew what we were doing and the reasons why, we had such a long haul with buying our first house and my wife wanted no hassle so I sent away for the forms and showed her them with my side filled in and she said lets go for it.

We saved a £1 on the cost of the wedding and we got a short honeymoon out of it as well which would never have happened if we went to the local registry office.

We then went to look at Gretna Green and we were amazed at how tacky the place actually was.

broadbandking · 13-04-2011, 11:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris

It's hard for anyone on a forum to advise you wisely because we don't know either of you, but you do need to be sure of your motives and hers.

I'm puzzled as to why she's made such an issue out of going to Mexico, even knowing how unhappy it would make you, when she doesn't actually seem to know what she wants (having changed her mind a number of times already). Do you know her motives for marrying you? (Sorry, again, I know that sounds loaded, but I think it may be time for some serious soul-searching here).

Her movtives are behond me Chris.

danielf · 13-04-2011, 11:45

We eloped

We invited two good friends, and put them up in a posh hotel. Had a civil ceremony and a meal afterwards, and informed our parents the next day...

Best wedding I ever had. Ok, it was the only one...

To the OP: I don't think you are being unreasonable, in fact your GF is. As others have remarked, I think this might be a good time to consider if this marriage is a good idea, because frankly, it sounds like she's pushing you around. It may be that this is a one-off because she has her heart set on 'the perfect wedding', but it doesn't sound good. If this is a one-off, you really should be able to reach a compromise. That's what marriage is about. If she's like this with other things, I'm afraid you're at risk of doormat territory.

**Maggy J** · 13-04-2011, 12:06

Personally I find it hard to understand why so many couples pay for big expensive weddings when the reality is that they may well be divorced within 5 years...and this will happen to you if her intransigence is anything to go by.

One question I will ask. Is she expecting her family to be there?

If not then maybe what she wants is not a huge family wedding and reception but a very much more private affair between you because she hates the idea of a big huge affair..

If so then I think she is being unreasonable..and any marriage you make on hers or your terms won't last.

Personally I think huge expensive weddings are overrated and leave a couple in debt before they start on the realities of married life and are an added stress to a relationship that has a lot of future stress to face.

What do I know about it? I'm going to be celebrating my 37th anniversary this summer and we got married on a shoe string.Reception,dress and expenses covered by family as wedding gifts and a borrowed £50 to cover the weekend honeymoon in London.This meant we had no real debts going into our future life together and debt is one issue that ends many marriages.