Bronconeumonia

[Zee]

I did a little research on this, but still not completly sure what it is.

My mum passed away about 2 weeks ago, i been quite upset, she had been fighting cancer for 4 years now i thought she died because of that.

I read her death certificate and it says the main cause of death was bronconeumonia now it says that was some kind of infection in the lungs where it fills up with fluid.

i feel like i hate everyone now for not telling me this because they could have saved her by doing an operation to clear it... it makes me feel worse that she could have still been here. she had been in a comer for 5 days before she died so why did they not fight the infection?

[moaningmags]

My mum died of cancer too almost 17 years ago. Among her causes of death was bronchopneumonia as well as the cancer.
I'm guessing the reason they didn't operate to clear her lungs was that she would never have survived the anasthesia required for the operation.
For me, it was relief when my mum died as she was in so much pain.

If she was losing the fight against cancer she may well have had a DNR or similar provision in place to refuse treatment? You need to talk to your family to make you have all the facts straight. Anger is a negative emotion all it will do is hurt you and others around you. Grief is a dodgy thing if you feel you are not coping go see your GP and get some support.

Hope you can come to terms with things soon and I am sorry for your pain

[Zee]

if i had known about this then maybe i could have told them to do something. i remember my mum telling me about fluids in her lungs but i never understood what it meant properly coz she spoke in Persian there was no word for this in our language.
i hate my brother and dad right now because im sure they knew about this and they speak english far better then me and my mother coz they had been here in england longer then us.

they told me she died coz of cancer and if i never read the certificate i would never have known the real cause. certenly there was a possibility they could have done something if it was found more than a month before she died?

Originally Posted by moaningmags

My mum died of cancer too almost 17 years ago. Among her causes of death was bronchopneumonia as well as the cancer.
I'm guessing the reason they didn't operate to clear her lungs was that she would never have survived the anasthesia required for the operation.
For me, it was relief when my mum died as she was in so much pain.

so you was basicly my age when your mother die? how did you cope with every day life because i cant seem to get on with everyday life, if i see a photo, or someone talks about they mom then i get ashma attack or i just get too upset? how did you manage? do you still think of her regulally now?

[Anonymouse]

Originally Posted by Zee

how did you cope with every day life because i cant seem to get on with everyday life, if i see a photo, or someone talks about they mom then i get ashma attack or i just get too upset? how did you manage? do you still think of her regulally now?

My mum died...God, it doesn't seem like nearly 3 years ago...and I'm 43 now. But I still think of her frequently. You will, too. You should.

But after a while you'll start to think of her as she was before she got ill, and of the happy times. You've just got to hang in there until then.

Let yourself get upset; you're entitled. Grieve as much as you need to.

[Matt D]

Sorry for your loss, Zee

[moaningmags]

Originally Posted by Zee

so you was basicly my age when your mother die? how did you cope with every day life because i cant seem to get on with everyday life, if i see a photo, or someone talks about they mom then i get ashma attack or i just get too upset? how did you manage? do you still think of her regulally now?

I was 19 and 5 months pregnant with my 2nd child when my mum died. For months before my mum died my husband and I looked after her and she lived with us. I coped because I had to and also because life goes on.
We came home after the funeral and as soon as I opened the front door I shouted down the hall "Mum you want a cuppa?" then remembered she wasn't there and was gutted all over again.
At 10pm that night when she was due her medicines my husband broke down in tears cos she wasn't there to get them.
We wanted to get to some sort of normality as soon as possible so put my daughter into the room where my mum had slept, which was good for all of us until my daughter started talking in her sleep. Hubby and I were scared to go into the bedroom incase my mum was sat there talking to her
So we switched rooms and we slept in there, no nooky though incase she was watching
But gradually we got used to her not being there, we got into a new routine that didn't involve hospital visits, medicine giving etc.
I had days where I just sat and cried cos i wanted my mum, I had days where we remembered when she did something stupid or funny and spent the day laughing about it.
Even now 17 years later anything goes wrong in my life or I've had a bad day I want my mum to hug me and tell me it'll be alright.
If one of the kids has done something to p*ss me off or make me laugh or make me proud I talk to my mum and say "Wow mum, would you believe it, isn't she just like I was or omg was I ever that bad" etc.
My sister and I regularly talk about her, always have done.
All I can tell you is it will get easier, eventually. While you might not be able to talk about her now, you will in time.
She definitely wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life moping about, when I had days where I wanted to wallow in self pity I could hear her voice in my head saying "get off yer arse and go do something" always brought a smile to my face
Hope this helps
Mags

[lascura]

Dearest Zee,

There's nothing that can be said that will make the loss of your mother any easier for you to bear..... no words.... no sympathetic looks.... no magic potion to take away the initial pain, anguish, or the hollow emptiness that sometimes blanks out everything and everyone.... even those who surround you and are suffering in the same way.... so, i am not going to try. Its not that i don't care..... or that i don't 'feel'. My father died about a year and a half ago now and i still lie awake at night..... blaming myself for not having been able to save him. I can't even write about the experience without breaking down so won't..... can't...... and i doubt that it would help you. Months later, on seeing a GP about an unrelated issue, some of my mental pain seeped out and he held my hand and sympathetically tried to convince me that his death wasn't my fault....... my father had been very very ill and we'd been caring for him at home for a couple of years..... towards the end he'd been hospitalised after a fall and then released into our care again..... to die...... apparently, but we, as a family unit, hadn't been explicitly told that..... we'd hoped, tended to him, cared and cherished him.... so that morning when he died, we were the only people that were shocked. He'd had severe dementia and parkinsons for those last 2 years and had been mobile, until the fall and his rapid decline in hospital. He never got out of bed again and was immobile and very fragile from that time onwards.
That morning, his 'carers' came and washed him as usual but didn't seem to care or let us know that he wasn't conscious and had 'rasping' breathing sounds..... once they'd left and we tried to give him his breakfast, it was obvious that there was something seriously wrong so we called an ambulance. It was too late.
The point of my telling you this........ its now about 2.30am and i haven't posted on this forum for years... is that your pain has touched mine. The coroner took days to write a report and cause of death was cited as parkinsons and dementia..... what had actually ended his life was Bronchopneumonia, well Aspiration Pneumonia..... the fluid that had accumulated in his lungs over those probably 24/48 hrs or more had been a result of his other severe chronic illnesses and his being feeble and bed ridden.
My father didn't have an autopsy.... or perhaps the cause of death may have been cited differently. If he'd never had had the fall and cut his skull, he wouldn't have ended up in hospital and bed ridden so soon..... he may have continued to live a while longer.... he may not have developed aspiration pneumonia....... but if i'm honest with myself, he still wouldn't be alive today.
It would seem that when someone is terminally ill, this type of pneumonia easily develops and is difficult to prevent or cure........ i can't say for sure that this was the case for your mother specifically but i believe that this is why there appears to be a discrepancy in what appears to be the cause of your mother's passing.
Obviously i don't know........ i'm the one who still feels so much guilt..... so much anger, rage even, towards not just those carers who obviously cared so little that they haphazardly washed an unconscious dying elderly man..... but also towards those close family members who relied on me too much, for supposedly knowing so much and yet in the end doing so very little.... at least that's the feeling i'm now left with.
It's not their fault.... and i know it's not mine..... deep down.
I'm trying to do something about my feelings now before it ruins my relationships and the life that i have left..... i know it's still very raw for you now..... but try not to let the anger and pain torture you. Grieving the loss of a loved one is hard enough without punishing ourselves with thoughts of anger and blame especially if it results in pushing away those people that we may be able to share the burden of the loss with and then find the love that we shared again, in the memories of those that experienced the laughter, tears and smile of mother, father, spouse or friend that we lost.

You're in my thoughts, as is your mother and all who loved her

Marina

[Stuart]

Originally Posted by moaningmags

All I can tell you is it will get easier, eventually. While you might not be able to talk about her now, you will in time.
She definitely wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life moping about, when I had days where I wanted to wallow in self pity I could hear her voice in my head saying "get off yer arse and go do something" always brought a smile to my face
Hope this helps
Mags

That is very true. It also reminds me of something someone said to me years ago (when my Grandfather died). He said that while the pain will never entirely go away, it does reduce to the point where you can deal with it.

I am in the position where I have lost both my parents. It was hard both times, but you do get to a point where you can deal with things. Although when my mum died, I took a long time off work, partly to grieve and partly to sort out stuff to do with the estate (the troubles I had with the HSBC over that have been documented on this forum, and have ensured I will never have an account with them or recommend them to anyone). I have to admit, the main reason I came back to work is one of my work colleagues came on MSN one day while I was online sorting something out, and just said "Where the .... are you? Why are you still at home? ". His message was blunt, but it did work.

I can give one piece of advice. Try and remember your mum as she was when she was healthy, not as she was when she had cancer. Also if you have any friends/family near you who can help, make use of them, even if it is just to talk to.

[roadwolf]

Originally Posted by Zee

I did a little research on this, but still not completly sure what it is.

My mum passed away about 2 weeks ago, i been quite upset, she had been fighting cancer for 4 years now i thought she died because of that.

I read her death certificate and it says the main cause of death was bronconeumonia now it says that was some kind of infection in the lungs where it fills up with fluid.

i feel like i hate everyone now for not telling me this because they could have saved her by doing an operation to clear it... it makes me feel worse that she could have still been here. she had been in a comer for 5 days before she died so why did they not fight the infection?

ZEE people do not actually die of cancer, they usually suffer with respiratory problems or organ failure due to being so ill the body does not have the strength to overcome them. Not much consolation I know but, blaming yourself and others will not bring her back and nothing could have been done, unfortunately thats how life is.

[Maggy J]

Feeling angry and guilty when someone you love dies is entirely normal..I felt this way when both my parents died.

I lost my father when I was 13 and I thought it was my fault because I didn't get a doctor to him fast enough when he collapsed at home with a heart attack and I had to call for an ambulance.

At 24 I felt just as guilty when my mother died for a variety of reasons and I was also very angry because she was under investigation at the time of her death which had been delayed by her notes being 'lost'.

However I began to link the feelings of guilt and the anger to my sense of loss because of discussing it with my older sister..

So family may be your way of coming to terms..tell them how you feel,they will understand.

I've since felt the same sort of emotions over other family members and managed to deal with them by seeing it as being an entirely normal reaction of those who are bereaved.

The fact you have discussed it with us may hopefully help you to see that you are not guilty and neither is anyone else.

Get out a favourite picture of your mother when she was fit and happy and think of her as being that happy still.It does help.

Originally Posted by Zee

I did a little research on this, but still not completly sure what it is.

My mum passed away about 2 weeks ago, i been quite upset, she had been fighting cancer for 4 years now i thought she died because of that.

I read her death certificate and it says the main cause of death was bronconeumonia now it says that was some kind of infection in the lungs where it fills up with fluid.

i feel like i hate everyone now for not telling me this because they could have saved her by doing an operation to clear it... it makes me feel worse that she could have still been here. she had been in a comer for 5 days before she died so why did they not fight the infection?

The mother in law had the same thing put on her death certificate when she died of cancer, on her last night alive the nurses dosed her up on morphine and opened the windows full, this was the middle of winter. Basically the nurses ended her suffering.

I lost my dad 4 years ago last week and I'll tell you something I miss him like hell, he was one hell of a man, no one had a bad word to say about him, he could sort out any problem and with a big grin on his face. I've got a photo of him above my fireplace, I look at it everyday and while I look at it I puff my chest out because I was so proud of him.

Your pain will ease as time goes on, I thought the world was going to end but I sat down and thought my dad wouldn't me to be like this.

[superbiatch]

Originally Posted by roadwolf

ZEE people do not actually die of cancer, they usually suffer with respiratory problems or organ failure due to being so ill the body does not have the strength to overcome them. Not much consolation I know but, blaming yourself and others will not bring her back and nothing could have been done, unfortunately thats how life is.

This is very true and exactly what I was going to say, I find death certificate's very insensitive but a necessary and formal document - thats all.

You have my sincerest sympathy losing your mother so young - please try not to be angry at your loved ones, you are all grieving

[Zee]

I really thank all of you so much you guys made me feel a lot better. Thing is i cant look at pictures of her coz it makes me cry. just looking at the death certificate made me cry... she gave up her life for me and my brothers, we would never be where we are if it wasn't for her. she got us out of that hell hole Afghanistan to here. i feel scared at night sometimes like she could be there. i hear her voice sometimes and i felt pressure on the back of my head for quite a while last thursday.. im muslim and we believe that every thursday the soul is allowed to come and visit their home so maybe it was her.

its thursday again maybe shes here watching me. thing that kills me the most is i never remember the last time i told her i loved her.

i didn't even touch her the 5 days she was in a comer before she died coz i was too scared now i regret it. anyway i know she knew i loved her coz the last words she said to me before she went to comer was "this illness showed me just how much you loved me"

i dont know if its normal but i know shes gone but sometimes i think any minute she will walk through the door or sometimes i think i see her if i see someone driving the car she had

[superbiatch]

Everything you are describing is completely normal, its grief. You need to make sure you allow yourself to cry and speak to the right people. Are you in college or is there anyone you could seek a little support from outside your family?

As you now know, life is too far for regrets and trying to remember the last time you did something for your mum. How about remembering the stuff you loved about her? The stuff she did that made you smile? The things she did that wound you up - have good memories, forget anything bad such as her last days in a coma.

Please do seek help, you really shouldn't be going through this on your own and you know you have some friends here who will be happy to listen anytime