self-loathing and self-esteem

kangaroosterrier · 05-09-2008, 10:46

I have a good self-image. I know my limits. I'm never depressed but can sometimes be mad or furious at the state of my life. All in all I think I'm doing well even if I still get sozzled more than I should or smoke the occassional cigarette. I'd say I'm a happy sort of fellow and do not believe I lack self-esteem.

That being said, I do however tend to hate myself a lot. Mostly the things I say and my blasted laziness. After a few beers I'm a right bloody muppet. But I am drinking far less than I was before. Still it really irks me how big an idiot I can be when I know better.

Now it's often said that you can't get someone to love you unless you first love yourself. My own experience has shown me that this is twaddle. I've had many girlfriends when I've utterly despised myself and the godforsaken irresponsibility that comes with me. Articles I've read about self-hatred have always tied it up with a poor self image. While this may be true in many cases in mine it's just more twaddle.

I'd reckon my own self-loathing is but a first step in becoming a better person, behaving the way I know is proper. I feel it's an important part of who I am though I wouldn't mind getting rid of the feeling, and it's because I don't want to keep hating myself that I should (but often don't) strive to improve my character.

Does this make sense? I have yet to read an article that doesn't link self-loathing with low self-esteem, and for me that's just not me.
I've not met someone who feels the same though.

peanut · 05-09-2008, 11:05

I don't really understand what is your question. What is it you're after?

downquark1 · 05-09-2008, 11:09

My advice, decide who you want to be and make gradual steps towards it.

Beware new age self help programs that will take advantage of you.

kangaroosterrier · 05-09-2008, 11:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanutkp

I don't really understand what is your question. What is it you're after?

Does anybody feel it's possible to have a good self-image yet despise yourself? Seems not, yet that's exactly how I'd describe myself and I don't think it's odd. I'm hoping I'm not the only one who feels like this.

downquark1 · 05-09-2008, 11:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by kangaroosterrier

Does anybody feel it's possible to have a good self-image yet despise yourself? Seems not, yet that's exactly how I'd describe myself and I don't think it's odd. I'm hoping I'm not the only one who feels like this.

I think so. Are you saying you see yourself as a successful person but not the successful person you would like to be?

kangaroosterrier · 05-09-2008, 11:24

I see myself as far smarter than my actions (which can be very infantile at times).

**Maggy J** · 05-09-2008, 11:39

I believe it's called knowing yourself and being totally honest.You recognise your worst traits and can live with them because they aren't the worst traits in the world.

In other words you know what is bad in you but you don't necessarily think you need to change them because in the main you are a useful happy member of society.

**Hugh** · 05-09-2008, 11:52

Recognising that there are areas/facets of your personality and life that could be improved does not (imho) mean you need to "loathe" yourself.

You appear to have taken the first step, which is recognising there could be a problem. Now you have to work out how to make any changes you wish (remembering that some of the areas that you think should be changed may be fundamental to your personality, so you may wish to not modify those to much).

kangaroosterrier · 05-09-2008, 12:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maggy J

I believe it's called knowing yourself and being totally honest.You recognise your worst traits and can live with them because they aren't the worst traits in the world.

In other words you know what is bad in you but you don't necessarily think you need to change them because in the main you are a useful happy member of society.

Oh, I fully intend to change my bad points and hate that I haven't yet.

---------- Post added at 11:08 ---------- Previous post was at 10:58 ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by foreverwar

Recognising that there are areas/facets of your personality and life that could be improved does not (imho) mean you need to "loathe" yourself.

You appear to have taken the first step, which is recognising there could be a problem. Now you have to work out how to make any changes you wish (remembering that some of the areas that you think should be changed may be fundamental to your personality, so you may wish to not modify those to much).

I do loathe myself. I curse myself, tell others what a moron I am, etc.

Thing is I don't think it's a problem so much as it's how I function. If I liked everything I did I think I'd be a hypocrite and wouldn't try to better myself. Not liking how I've behaved in the past has often stopped me from acting like an idiot. I cringe at the memory of a lot of what I've done. I also refuse to publish anything under my own name lest others enjoy reading something I've written and then go to thinking I must be a smart fellow, or worse, a good soul (which I honestly believe I am only if I remind myself of the good I've done then I might get to thinking I don't need to work on myself and become complacent which is what I don't want).

By focusing on my mistakes I tend to try and avoid repeating them.

**Hugh** · 05-09-2008, 12:12

But we learn from our mistakes (which you recognise).

Loathing is a very strong emotion - I have often thought myself stupid, dumb, thoughtless, inconsiderate for doing some things; but never loathed myself (and I have done a lot of s,d,t,i things).

My recommendation to you is talk to a counsellor, as the strength of your emotions is a bit beyond (imho) a forum's resolution abilities.

Good luck, as I believe you have started on the path, but just need not to beat yourself up so much.

kangaroosterrier · 05-09-2008, 12:24

I doubt I require counselling and not really looking for resolution, more interested in the relationship between low self-esteem and self-loathing. I believe the two can be mutually exclusive but the articles I've read seem to disagree.

As for myself, well, every year I'm better than I was the previous one so time will resolve all my behavioural problems.

Pia · 07-09-2008, 17:55

I hate myself for being so lazy. Like when the house is a mess and i know i'd feel better if i got off my backside and tidied it but i insist on putting it off by reading internet forums

Seriously! Sometimes we need something to happen to kick us up the backside to change these things for the better. I'm still waiting

---------- Post added at 17:55 ---------- Previous post was at 17:54 ----------

I also know how much mroe confidence i would have if i lost weight. I joined a gym 3 weeks ago and have only been once.... Where's that kick up the backside?

I should write a book on "How to put off doing positive things"

Ramrod · 07-09-2008, 18:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by kangaroosterrier

I see myself as far smarter than my actions (which can be very infantile at times).

The thing is that we often see ourselves as different to how we actually are (and how others see us)
If you act in an infantile way others will perceive you to be infantile-because you are; it doesn't matter if you see yourself as different to that.....actions speak louder than words....

edit....in the same way, if I believe I am not a coward and yet act in a cowardly fashion then guess what?.....I'm a coward.....

WHISTLED · 07-09-2008, 20:32

kangaroosterrier · 07-09-2008, 20:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The thing is that we often see ourselves as different to how we actually are (and how others see us)
If you act in an infantile way others will perceive you to be infantile-because you are; it doesn't matter if you see yourself as different to that.....actions speak louder than words....

edit....in the same way, if I believe I am not a coward and yet act in a cowardly fashion then guess what?.....I'm a coward.....

You're only a coward if you act in a cowardly fashion every time you're faced with a challenge, not if you behave like one for five or ten times (calling yourself one each time, and hating yourself for not standing up to the task at hand whatever it may be) but thereafter by using this self-hate you ensure that you behave bravely the next fifty or a hundred times you're challenged.

One of the best notions I've come across since reading up on it is that self-loathing is a form of self-indulgence.