favourite quotes

[wwe]

What your favourite's quote's?

[Alien]

Originally Posted by wwe

What your favourite's quote's?

I have quite a few, so have attempted to divide them in to categories. First: computers & technology.

MacIntosh: Computer with training wheels you can't remove.

The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8 meters/second squared.

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
-- Seymore Cray, on virtual memory.

For evil to triumph it is only necessary for good men to buy Microsoft.

Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label on a Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web, when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another computer, another word processor, or another network.
-- Tim Berners-Lee, Technology Review, July 1996

Give a luser a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a luser to fish and he'll bug you for life:
My bait's not working, but I haven't changed anything!
The river's gone down. Fix it!
Why is the net so slow today?
-- Malcolm Ray
I keep on getting my line caught on myself - why is it so hard to fish ?
Can I surf the river ?
I fell in the river and now I'm all wet - fix things so that I don't get wet when I fall in
Why can't the fish just jump out of the river into my frying pan ? It would make fishing so much easier
What is a fish ?
I can't fish (which could be anything from not having a fishing rod to using a brick for bait).
-- Simes
Light a fire for a luser and he'll be warm for a night; set a luser on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-- fun

Pete Krawczyk wrote :
> *sigh* Oh, how I wish lusers could read documentation more than they > read porn...
That's IT! PORNOGRAPHIC DOCUMENTATION!
...and as she finally reached orgasm, she screamed 'the mail server will be down for three hours tonight! Yes! Oh, yes!'
-- J.D. Falk

Another effective [debugging] technique is to explain your code to someone else. This will often cause you to explain the bug to yourself. Sometimes it takes no more than a few sentences, followed by an embarrassed "Never mind. I see what's wrong. Sorry to bother you." This works remarkably well; you can even use non-programmers as listeners. One university computer center kept a teddy bear near the help desk. Students with mysterious bugs were required to explain them to the bear before they could speak to a human counselor.
-- From "The Practice Programming" by Brian W Kernighan & Rob Pike

Computing is a terminal condition.

The only secure computer is one that is turned off, locked in a safe and buried 20 feet down in a secret location, and I'm not completely confident of that either.
-- Bruce Schneier

I am logged in, therefore I am.

The truth is out there? Anyone knows the URL?

When a filesystem no longer needs to be mounted, it can be unmounted with umount.*
*It should of course be unmount, but the n mysteriously disappeared in the 70's, and hasn't been seen since. Please return it to Bell Labs, NJ, if you find it.
-- From Linux System Administrators' Guide

Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately, they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming.
-- Simon Slavin in asr

It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common computer protocol occurred in the Old Testament. This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea...
-- Tom Galloway

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation calls for an MBA.

A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonald's Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.

PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
-- The Usenet oracle

piracy is copying.
So 18th century pirates just boarded your ship, copied everything, and left?
-- Anonymous Coward on Slashdot.org (2002-04-29)

Thus continueth the cycle:
1. A few people pirate software/music.
2. Corporations get p****d at piracy.
3. Corporation spends millions on development of an anti-piracy scheme.
4. Corporation has to raise prices to compensate.
5. Scheme gets cracked within DAYS of release.
6. More people pirate because prices are higher.
7. Goto 1.
-- Desco (2001-10-19)

I know that there is a world outside. People put pictures of it on the Internet.

Q. how many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here?

If there were no electricity, we'd all be Ohmless

I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things.
-- Douglas Adams. The Salmon of Doubt. 2002.

We don't manage our time as well as we manage our space. There's an overhead of starting and an overhead of stopping a project because you kind of lose your momentum. And you've got to bracket and put aside all the things you're already doing. So you need reasonably large blocks of uninterrupted time if you're going to be successful at doing some of these things. That's why hackers tend to stay up late. If you stay up late and you have another hour of work to do, you can just stay up another hour later without running into a wall and having to stop. Whereas it might take three or four hours if you start over, you might finish if you just work that extra hour. If you're a morning person, the day always intrudes a fixed amount of time in the future. So it's much less efficient. Which is why I think computer people tend to be night people -because a machine doesn't get sleepy.
-- B. Joy

User Error: Replace user and press any key to continue.

The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.
-- Andrew Brown

There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS.
-- B.O.F.H. [Anke Bodzin]

I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code!

I only use my computer on days of the week that end in y.

A Hacker is any person who derives joy from discovering ways to circumvent limitations.
-- Bob Bickford, rab

What's that thing?
Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four.
-- Jeff McNelly, "Shoe"

A netnews signature file:
Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT for so long. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise.

Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here

I believe in computer dating, but only if the computers are truly in love.
-- Groucho Marx

Logic designers don't have orgasms--they have nandgasms with inverted gates

Computer Analyst: "Now lie down and tell me about your motherboard...."

First they came for the hackers. But I never did anything illegal with my computer, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the pornographers. But I thought there was too much smut on the Internet anyway, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the anonymous remailers. But a lot of nasty stuff gets sent from anon.penet.fi, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for the encryption users. But I could never figure out how to work PGP anyway, so I didn't speak up.
Then they came for me. And by that time there was no one left to speak up.
-- Alara Rogers, Aleph Press

You won't have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he'll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I've seen this happen.
Me: Eww. Victoria Secret's Models... They're so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!
Geek Guy: ooooooo...
Me: Hey! *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: What?
Me: Never mind...
-- pipedreamergrey from geeksaresexy on livejournal

I once dreamed of having Lightwave. I finally got to open it up once as a cover cd demo of some magazine. I took one look at the screen and hid under my bed.
-- rotcorp

8 bits--byte, 4 bits--nybble, 2 bits--shave and a haircut

We all live in a yellow subroutine

The email of the species is deadlier than the mail

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS

It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to Basic; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Edsger Dijkstra

The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry.
-- Henry Petroski

[cimt]

< robT> Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant
< bawss> Right click.


I think that one is quality.

[iglu]

Use an apostrophe when letters are missing

[Alien]

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
-- Plato (427-347 B.C.)

Isn't it ironic that the previous generation defined themselves in terms of rebellion against authority, and now that they're in charge, all they do is give people reasons to want to rebel against authority.
-- posted on Slashdot

It is true that some lawyers are dishonest, arrogant, greedy, venal, amoral, ruthless buckets of slime. On the other hand, it is unfair to judge the entire profession by a few hundred-thousand bad apples.
-- James D. Gordon III, The Washington Post

I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars.
-- Abbie Hoffman

The second was a lesson I received in group dynamics from my high school theater group's director, a guy named Lou. About a hundred of us kids had gathered together in the gym, doing warmup exercises. Lou got up and introduced a new exercise. We were going to count up from one to ten, slowly adjusting our attitude and appearance from utter dejection to triumphant at ten. One... we were slumped over and suicidal. Two... we straighted a little... Three... perhaps I shall not hang myself today. And so on to a hearty, confident, triumphant roar of TEN! "TEN!" shouted Lou. "TEN!!" we yelled back. "SEIG HEIL!" shouted Lou. "SEIG HEIL!!" we roared. "SEIG HEIL!!! SEIG HEIL!!! SEIG..."
Lou clapped his hands sharply for attention. He looked at us for a long moment. "Never forget," he said softly, "how easy it was for one man to make you do that."
I never will.
-- Bill Sheehan

I used to be an idealist, but then I got mugged by reality.

Lately, the only thing that keeps me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.
-- Dilbert

The problem with America is stupidity, I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.
-- Albert Einstein

I don't want power. I just object to idiots having power over me.
-- Cordelia, Barrayar, Lois McMaster Bujold

In a society in which it is a mortal offense to be different from your neighbors your only escape is never to let them find out.
-- Maureen Johnson in To Sail Beyond the Sunset, Robert A. Heinlein

I've tried everything else to convince you. Now I'm going to be sensible.
-- unnamed Congressman

Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject to the regulation of conscience.
-- Adam Smith

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben

...[T]he lesson [comic books] taught children - or this child, at any rate - was perhaps the unintentionally radical truth that exceptionality was the greatest and most heroic of values; that those who were unlike the crowd were to be treasured the most lovingly; and that this exceptionality was a treasure so great that it had to be concealed, in ordinary life, beneath what the comic books called a 'secret identity'.
-- Salman Rushdie

How come you never see a politician laugh? Because they know what they're getting away with, and if they started laughing, they'd never stop

If people were required to know the law rather than to obey it, the government would be overthrown the next day

It gets real lonely as a moderate activist, standing alone with a sign that reads, "Reasonable informed discussion of the issues as soon as feasible"

Legalize freedom.

Misanthropology: the study of why people are so stupid and why most of them should die, SOON!

Remember, Yanks, if it wasn't for us British you'd all have been Spanish.

Terrorism: deadly violence against humans and other living things, usually conducted by government against its own people.
-- Edward Abbey

Terrorist, n.: An individual who behaves like a government.

There's always the temptation to let other people think you're normal

To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-- E. E. Cummings (1894-1963)

I hold that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical world.
-- Thomas Jefferson

The right to be let alone is the most comprehensive of rights and the right most valued in civilized man.
-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis

Commandment Number One of any truly civilized society is this: Let people be different.
-- David Grayson

Can you keep as much as half of your salary after taxes? Be sure that jackbooted thugs won't invade your home? Operate a car - let alone a handgun - without some bureaucrat's permission? No? Not much of a "free country", is it?

One should respect public opinion insofar as it is necessary to avoid starvation and keep out of prison, but anything beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
-- Bertrand Russell

The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal - they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring.
-- J. Kegler

Anyone who thinks that they live in a nation that's immune to becoming the next "Nazi Germany" is an idiot. Given a little economic distress, a little misplaced pride and a need to place blame, it can happen anywhere, anytime, to any people.
-- S. John Ross

If they were laws of nature, you wouldn't need to create a legal system to support them: gravity and thermodynamics work without any help from the government.
-- Vicki Rosenzweig

what is considered "left-wing" in America is considered "right wing" in most of Europe. What is considered "right wing" in America is considered foaming-at-the-mouth-dangerous-lunatic-with-toothbrush-moustache on this side of the Great Undrinkable.
-- Charlie Stross

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P. J. O'Rourke

Government's view of the economy should be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
-- Bertrand Russell

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true
-- Mark Twain

The most thoroughly and relentlessly Damned, banned, excluded, condemned, forbidden, ostracized, ignored, suppressed, repressed, robbed, brutalized and defamed of all Damned things is the individual human being. The social engineers, statisticians, psychologists, sociologists, market researchers, landlords, bureaucrats, captains of industry, bankers, governors, commissars, kings and presidents are perpetually forcing this Damned Thing into carefully prepared blueprints and perpetually irritated that the Damned Thing will not fit into the slot assigned to it. The theologians call it a sinner and try to reform it. The governor calls it a criminal and tries to punish it. The psychotherapist calls it a neurotic and tries to cure it. Still, the Damned Thing will not fit into their slots.
-- Robert Anton Wilson

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
-- Jean Kerr

I was born weird - this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma

When England was a kingdom, we had a king. When we were an empire, we had an emperor. Now we're a country ... and we have Margaret Thatcher.
-- Kenny Everett

[greencreeper]

See my signature

[Alien]

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.

Religious leaders have often ranted and railed against certain sexual practices, from masturbation and oral sex to homosexuality, as though these were the handiwork of the devil. But what if God feels more honored when a person joyfully masturbates as opposed to saying a speedy rosary or spending an obligatory hour in church. After all, God created orgasm, while prayers and churches are the creations of men. What if God receives more joy when an unmarried couple lovingly shares oral sex than when a church-going husband and wife have passionless, missionary position intercourse? And who is to say that God hasn't created a group of homosexual angels to guard the gates of heaven? Maybe God has a sense of humor and brings out the queer angels whenever a redneck preacher or one of his intolerant parishioners has just died and is awaiting judgment.
-- from The Guide to Getting it On

Keep the company of those who seek the truth, and run from those who have found it.
-- Vaclav Havel

You can believe anything you want. The universe is not obliged to keep a straight face.
-- Solomon Short

The Bible is such a gargantuan collection of conflicting values that anyone can "prove" anything from it.
-- Dr. Jacob Burroughs in The Number of the Beast, Robert A. Heinlein

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so, and will follow it by suppressing opposition, subverting all education to seize early the minds of the young, and by killing, locking up, or driving underground all heretics.
-- Postscript to Revolt in 2100, Robert A. Heinlein

Everything that the human race has done and thought is concerned with the satisfaction of deeply felt needs and the assuagement of pain. One has to keep this constantly in mind if one wishes to understand spiritual movements and their developments.
-- Albert Einstein, New York Times Magazine, November 9, 1930

Can the mind of man, which has, as I fully believe, been developed from a mind as low as that possessed by the lowest animal, be trusted when it draws such grand conclusions?
-- Charles Darwin, On the origin of religion

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

Thousands of years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.

It's your hell. You burn in it!

667, the neighbor of the beast!

The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.
-- Muhammad

Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

JWs: If we were to tell you that there is an army of angels waiting in Heaven, and on the Day of Judgement they will be unleashed upon the world to slay all the unbelievers, what would your response be?
Response: Preemptive nuclear strike.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-- Terry Pratchett

The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life.
-- Bertrand Russell

The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
-- Krishnamurti

If God doesn't like the way I live, let Him tell me, not you.

Liberal Christian: One who likes Jesus' words and doesn't care who said them.
Conservative Christian: One who cares deeply who Jesus is and ignores his words.

As soon as you are willing to discard observational data because it conflicts with religion, you are giving up any hope of ever really understanding the universe. As soon as you pick religion as the touchstone of reality, then we have to start discussing how one can demonstrate the correctness of one religion over another when different *religions* disagree.
-- Wilson Heydt

The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars. Verily, the learned men are the heirs of the Prophets.
-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad

2 x 4 x 666 The Lumber of the Beast

A cult is a religion with no political power.

The only people on earth who do not see Christ and His teachings as nonviolent are Christians.
-- Mohandas Gandhi

Strange, because they are so frankly and hysterically insane - like all dreams: a God who could make good children as easily as bad, yet preferred to make bad ones; who could have made every one of them happy, yet never made a single happy one; who made them prize their bitter life, yet stingily cut it short; who gave his angels eternal happiness unearned, yet required his other children to earn it; who gave his angels painless lives, yet cursed his other children with biting miseries and maladies of mind and body; who mouths justice and invented hell - mouths mercy and invented hell - mouths Golden Rules, and forgiveness multiplied by seventy times seven, and invented hell; who frowns upon crimes, yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man's acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon himself; and finally, with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship him!
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910), "The Mysterious Stranger

There are two ways of teaching people:
You can teach them how to think,
or you can teach them what to think.
Socrates taught people how to think,
Jesus taught people what to think....
and look what happened to them.

This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.

Sarge, is it man's nature to be evil, or are we essentially good, and corrupted by desire?
Good Question, Smitty. PLA-TOON, TEN-HUT! On command, you will consider this question! PLA-TOON! PON- (wait for it!) DER!
-- The men of the 3257th Philosophy Battalion (the Descartes Demons), Douglas E. Berry

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
-- Epicurus, 350-?270 BC

God says do what you wish, but make the wrong choice and you will be tortured for eternity in hell. That, sir, is not free will. It would be akin to a man telling his girlfriend, "Do what you wish, but if you choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains out." When a man says this we call him a psychopath and cry out for his imprisonment/execution. When a god says the same we call him "loving" and build churches in his honor.
-- William C. Easttom II

I hope it will not be irreverent of me to say that if it is probable that God would reveal his will to others on a point so connected with my duty, it might be supposed he would reveal it directly to me.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Science: The theory can't be valid because the evidence contradicts it.
Dogmatism: The evidence can't be valid because it contradicts the theory.
-- Beverly Erlebacher

I will strive to be godlike. I will start by condemning my enemies to an eternal hell.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
-- Bruce Lee

We are all athiests really. I just believe in one less god than you do. When you understand why you don't believe in all the other gods you will understand why I don't believe in yours.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
(I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.)

deifenestration - to throw all talk of God out the window

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
-- William Arthur Ward

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
-Albert Einstein

Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the Faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorns is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can't see them.
-- Steve Eley

I think not, said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.

It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of others.
-- Joseph Addison

[Russ B]

£80 for pulling the dents out of my car's bonnet.

[Alien]

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is your list of girls who were naughty.

If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.

I couldn't help myself. They were so big and round and beautiful, I just had to touch them! Then she started screaming "MY EYES!, MY EYES!" and ruined the mood.

Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl.
-- Bruce Raeburn.

Cleavage (n): something you can approve of and look down on at the same time.
-- W. Garnett.

Diaper spelled backwards is Repaid. Think about it.
-- Marshall McLuhan

I'm also starting to believe that men are more in touch with the realities of commitment, and that's why they (for the most part, or the ones I know) avoid making them. My experience with women shows me that they candy-coat the reality of co-habitation.
-- JadeSyren

The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
-- Barbara C. Kroll, Kennett Square, PA

Finding out how a woman feels about you is like calculating the spin on a particle! The very act of doing this will alter the particle in ways you cannot predict!
-- Bob Igo

They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
-- Mitch Hedberg

Weird theory #47: Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.

Opposites can attract, as in magnetism. Or explode, as in matter and antimatter.
-- David, Peter

Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: High maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance But you think you're low maintenance!
-- From the movie When Harry Met Sally

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, but another kept reminding me, Howard, you are a veterinarian.
-- Dick Wilson

Women should be obscene and not heard.
-- Groucho Marx

G M: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S: Yes, thirteen.
G M: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G M: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
-- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_

Don't worry about temptation - as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac

Brothel of Dreams: If you build it, they will come.

So the prince kissed sleeping beauty, and she opened her eyes and said, If you were a real prince you'd put on the coffee and give me ten more minutes.

I am looking for someone who can take as much as I give,
And give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live.

I'm not shy, I'm just studying my prey.

Pick up your mind, you're getting the gutter dirty!

Love is chemistry, sex is physics... but kinky takes engineering!

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

She's not a space cadet - she's a fully commissioned officer.

Spooned! We only spooned! We didn't fork!

F: Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
M: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed in the end.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
-- Emo Philips

A girl seldom falls in love with a man unless there is some reason why she shouldn't.
-- Bob Edwards

A thief will demand your money or your life, but only a woman will demand both.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.

Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

When a man is single, he's incomplete; but when a man gets married, he's finished.

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

The best way to get a good education is to curl up with a good book and a bad librarian.
-- Richard J. Needham

Some people have children in order to buy toys - I feel it's cheaper and more dignified to cut out the middleman and buy toys for myself

Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained a reputation for being a necromancer.

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next." They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

You know when you meet a girl and she's the most beautiful girl in all the world and she's changed your whole life and you want to marry her and be with her forever and ever because she's just so wonderful? That's how women feel about shoes.
-- Dylan Moran

Spouse n. Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Women are like swimming pools: they cost a great deal of money to maintain, considering the time that you spend inside!

Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe that she will never change. Both are mistaken!

There is no perfect guy out there for you, ladies. All you can do is get close. Don't try and "fix" anything to your liking, because nothing is broken. Whatever he is lacking you just have to learn to live without. He's already doing the same for you.
-- Gabe Strine

She was also mad. Loopy as a crochet convention.
-- Harry Dresden, Summer Knight

To bed, to sleep; perchance to masturbate. Ah, there's the rub!
-- Eric, The Wasp Factory

Mean people suck, nice people swallow!

[gazzae]

The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.
Vince Lombardi

[foreverwar]

Punish the crime, not the freedom.

[goldoni]

we should never complain about getting old, it's a luxury not afforded to everyone.

The trouble with mental illness your always the last to know

[Alien]

A good pun is its own reword.

I am Dyslexia of Borg. Prepare to have your **** laminated.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

A day without a pun is a day without sunshine; there is gloom for improvement.
-- John S. Crosbie

They say thyme heal all wounds, but I've found it doesn't work any better than oregano.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you flee.

A grimoire that sticks to you: the Velcronomicon.

2001 parking lot: My God, it's full of cars!

Monkey in a blender: Rhesus pieces.

Chopped cabbage - it's not just a good idea...it's THE SLAW

Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh

Cogito Ergo Spud - I think, therefore I yam

Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process

Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place

Fantasy isn't our crutch - it's arcane

Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.

Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.

If it isn't baroque, don't fix it - unless you're sure you can handel it

Keep it short for pithy sake.

Lizard Invasion - Newts at eleven

Sick, sick, sick - the humor of the Beast

The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum

Yellow journalism is media ochre

The Atkins Diet: It's a no-grainer

I find "lactose intolerant" offensive. I prefer "persona non gratin".

The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise measurement of the speed of blight.

chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment

psychoceramics - the study of crackpots

[Rob M]

Originally Posted by Alien

A good pun is its own reword.

One for nugget