101 rules to becoming a Jehovah's Witness

Action Jackson · 02-03-2007, 13:12

Fancy a career as a Jehovah's Witness?

You just have to adhere to/believe in the following:

P.S. I wonder who sets the rules for number 57.

1. Jehovah God is not a Trinity
2. The doctrine of the Trinity is inspired by Satan
3. Jesus Christ is a created being, who at one time did not exist (a.k.a.Michael the archangel)
4. The Holy Spirit is not a person but is "God's active force" i.e. gravity, electricity etc.
5. Heaven is only for select Jehovah's Witnesses
6. Heaven is limited only to 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses
7. Jehovah's Witnesses are the only true Christians
8. There is no Hell (It is simply the grave)
9. There is no life after death (except for the 144,000)
10. Salvation is by good works not by Grace
11. You cannot be sure of salvation
12. Jesus is not to be worshiped or prayed to
13. Jesus did not rise from the dead bodily but as a spirit being
14. You are discouraged from attending college
15. The "first resurrection" occurred in 1918
16. All pastors are the "Antichrist"
17. All churches are of Satan
18. All governments are controlled by Satan
19. You cannot take a blood transfusion
20. You cannot be a police officer
21. You cannot salute the flag, stand for the national anthem, or own a flag
22. You cannot serve in the military
23. You cannot buy girl Scout cookies
24. You must attend five meetings per week
25. Jesus'second coming occurred in 1914 (only known to Jehovah's Witnesses)
26. You cannot marry a non-Jehovah's Witness
27. If one does not follow the rules of the Watchtower they will be shunned
28. You cannot read Christian literature from a Christian book store
29. You cannot be a cheerleader
30. You cannot celebrate any holidays (Christmas, Easter, etc.)
31. You cannot celebrate your birthday
32. You cannot run for or hold a political office
33. You cannot vote in any political campaign
34. You cannot serve on a jury
35. You are discouraged from giving to charity (except Watchtower causes)
36. You cannot speak to former members who are shunned (disfellowshipped)
37. You cannot accept Christmas gifts
38. You must read and study Watchtower literature regularly
39. Only Jehovah's Witnesses can understand the Bible
40. Angels direct the Watchtower organization
41. Jesus did not die on a cross but an upright pole
42. You cannot own or wear a cross
43. You must report your witnessing activity to the elders
44. You must go from door to door weekly to gain converts
45. You cannot have friends who are not Jehovah's Witnesses
46. You must refer to all Jehovah's Witnesses as "brother" or "sister"
47. You cannot play chess*
48. You cannot understand the Bible without Watchtower literature to explain it
49. A child abuser is reported to Watchtower elders and not the police
50. You must forgo vacations to attend annual conventions
51. You are discouraged from buying a two door car-A "Theocratic" or "spiritually strong" Jehovah's Witness will have a full size car for the door to door work
52. Men cannot wear beards
53. Men must wear short hair
54. Women cannot pray in the presence of men without a hat
55. You cannot have a tattoo
56. You forbidden to use any tobacco products
57. Only officially approved sexual practices are allowed in marriage
58. You must appear before a Judicial committee if you are caught breaking Watchtower rules (Secret files are kept on all members which record these meetings-these files are kept in New York and are never destroyed)
59. You must not own wind-chimes (they are for chasing away evil spirits)*
60. You cannot read any anti-Jehovah's Witness material
61. You cannot use pet foods made with blood or blood products
62. You cannot join any clubs or sports teams
63. You cannot wear jade jewelry*
64. You cannot purchase Christian products (books, music, plaques, pictures etc.)
65. You cannot wear any Christian jewelry
66. Jehovah's Witness meeting places have no windows
67. If you see another Jehovah's Witness breaking the rules you must turn them in to the elders to be interrogated
68. Jesus could have sinned and failed in his mission
69. Jesus was not born the savior but became the savior at his baptism
70. The Watchtower organization is God's prophet on earth today
71. Women must submit to Watchtower elders
72. You cannot support your country
73. One must study Watchtower books at least six months before he can be baptized
74. Before baptism, one must answer over 80 questions in front of a panel of elders
75. Most of The Book of Revelation applies to the Jehovah's Witnesses
76. You cannot celebrate Mothers or Fathers day (it may produce pride)
77. Kingdom Halls cannot have pews for seating
78. JWs are are fobidden to say "good luck"
79. God is not omniscient "all knowing"
80. God is not omnipresent
81. God only speaks through the "Governing Body" in Brooklyn, New York
82. The Holy Spirit is only for select Jehovah's Witnesses
83. The Lord's supper is only to be eaten by select Jehovah's Witnesses (144,000 group-99.99% of Jehovah's Witnesses are forbidden from taking the Lord's supper)
84. The Lord's supper can only be offered once per year
85. JWs in times of crisis, are strongly discouraged from consulting with family counselors, including mental health professionals who are not Jehovah's Witnesses
86. Only faithful Jehovah's Witnesses will survive Armageddon
87. If you have a non-Witness spouse your first loyalty is to the elders over your spouse
88. Jesus was equal to Adam (just a man)
89. Judgment day is 1000 years long
90. If you leave Jehovah's Witnesses or are expelled from the organization you will not be resurrected
91. Only Jehovah's Witness prayers are heard by God
92. Man's salvation is secondary in God's plan; Jesus was sent to "vindicate Jehovah's name"
93. God will destroy all non-Jehovah's Witnesses at armageddon
94. You forbidden to say "God bless you" when someone sneezes.
95. You must never enter a church building
96. You must never attend a church service
97. You cannot be involved in martial arts, boxing or wrestling
98. You cannot participate in a school play
99. You cannot donate blood or your organs when you die
100. You can never question what is printed in Watchtower literature
101. You are forbidden to attend a funeral of an ex-Jehovah's Witness

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/2919/reasons.html

Is it any wonder we don't answer the door to them?

Tailor · 02-03-2007, 13:31

So you can now wear Jade jewellary, have wind chimes and play chess.
They obviously allowed these things as otherwise people might thing they're crazy

Action Jackson · 02-03-2007, 13:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tailor

So you can now wear Jade jewellary, have wind chimes and play chess.
They obviously allowed these things as otherwise people might thing they're crazy

Number 49 is a bit controversial, I have to say.

Ramrod · 02-03-2007, 13:33

#87 is interesting........

orangebird · 02-03-2007, 13:41

I used to be friends with a JW. She was OK, her mother was crazy. Especially when my friend decided to leave the group...

Action Jackson · 02-03-2007, 13:54

Is it any wonder why we fear them coming to our door?

All dressed head to toe in black, grim expressions on their faces; it's all too sinister.

I think they should sex it up a bit. Only send women out, get them to dress in provocative attire, put on some make-up and try cracking a smile and being a bit flirtatious at the door. It would certainly get them invited into more male homes I reckon.

Sex sells, even The Watchtower.

**Russ** · 02-03-2007, 13:58

If people want to believe in all that, what business is it of ours? Just say 'no thanks' if they come to your door, job done.

Action Jackson · 02-03-2007, 14:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Russ B

Just say 'no thanks' if they come to your door, job done.

You have never been on the receiving end of an aggressive Jehovah before I take it?

Sticking their foot on your door to stop you closing it, giving you abuse etc when you try to tell them that you are not interested.

Best thing to do is to tell them to go away via the letterbox.

Jules · 02-03-2007, 14:08

Why do they want to covert people so that they will be saved if only a limited number are going to be?

fireman328 · 02-03-2007, 14:10

There is no hope for me then, still with only 144,000 allowed in, there there is going to be a rush when they open the gates. Or will it be season ticket holders only ?

TheDaddy · 02-03-2007, 14:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jules

Why do they want to covert people so that they will be saved if only a limited number are going to be?

Perhaps they are on commission

Delta Whiskey · 02-03-2007, 14:17

54. Women cannot pray in the presence of men without a hat

So when a woman wants to pray, she has to do it the presence of a man who is wearing a hat. Strange rule that.

The JW don't go to my friend Owl's house anymore, he invited them in and kept them there for hours chucking different belief systems at them, tied them up in knots.

I never get involved, I'm a Jehovah's Bystander.

DW

Jules · 02-03-2007, 14:19

I have been to a kingdom hall and they prayed and no one was wearing a hat? Also I am sure the building had windows

nffc · 02-03-2007, 14:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delta Whiskey

54. Women cannot pray in the presence of men without a hat

So when a woman wants to pray, she has to do it the presence of a man who is wearing a hat. Strange rule that.

The JW don't go to my friend Owl's house anymore, he invited them in and kept them there for hours chucking different belief systems at them, tied them up in knots.

I never get involved, I'm a Jehovah's Bystander.

DW

Does that mean:
- the woman can't pray with a man unless she has a hat
or
- the woman can't pray with a man unless he has a hat

There's a big difference.

ikthius · 02-03-2007, 14:23

tell them good luck in attracting more followers......

ok, why would someone want to join a group that says only a very small few will gain entry to heaven? is this not elitest?

Well at least I cant join, I do kung fu, I have a tattoo, I own wind chimes, I would never let my spouse submit to the elders......

ik