God - a questionnaire

[scrotnig]

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your
responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need
not disclose your name or address if you prefer not to have a
direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Newspaper
___ New Testament
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Other Book
___ Television
___ Divine Inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death Experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning Shrubbery
___ Who?
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model of God did you acquire?

___ God of Israel
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Higher Power
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If No, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ His Will conflicts with my will
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (e. g., Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
Please check all that apply.

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ To **** off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Enjoy organ music
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Needed to feel Mother Superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Fortune cookies
__ Annie's Mailbox
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around in desert
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other:_____________________

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God? If so, which false God
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

___ Odin
___ Cthulhu
___ Lottery
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Eric Clapton
___ Bill Gates
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ Ronald Reagan
___ A burning cabbage
___ Mushrooms
___ Other: ________________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would
you prefer:

___ More Divine Intervention
___ Less Divine Intervention
___ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___ Don't know; what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
following, where 1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:

DISASTERS:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood/Tsunami
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
1 2 3 4 5 Dubya

MIRACLES:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 =
unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:

1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services?

[allieyoung666]

Why do you need to know that hun???

[Graham]

Originally Posted by scrotnig

1. How did you find out about God?

___ Other (specify):

I woke up one day and realised that I *was* God, you puny Mortal!

2. Which model of God did you acquire?

___ None of the above;

Fear My power and bow down before Me!

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

How dare you imply that I am imperfect! Beware or I shall smite thee!!

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

Are you not reading My answers? Forsooth, though My patience be infinite but do you sorely try it!

5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God? Please check all that apply.

Pah! I need none of these worthless toys.

(Although Playboy and Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll do have a certain appeal...)

6. Have you ever worshipped a false God? If so, which false God
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

They are all fools if they do not worship Me!

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would
you prefer:

What makes you think you are worthy of My intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the
following, where 1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 =
unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent:

I am working on these. Please ask again later.

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services?

WORSHIP ME NOW!!!