LMAO!!! NTl does it again (posted from another site)

[KingPhoenix]

NTL Complaint
This a copy of a complaint letter that was actually received by NTL.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled ******* jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - ****ers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe


This is not my own post, but another from a dis-satisfied customer to say the least!!!

[The Diplomat]

Aaaah the famous letter.

Still brings a smile to my face.

[KingPhoenix]

ive never seen it before.... youve probably been a NTHW veteran longer than I

[th'engineer]

At least its honest and on the ball

[Russ B]

That one's been doing the rounds for yonks now....

I'm sure I have seen this somewhere before.

Either that or an ntl employee has told me about it at some point.

Still makes me smile though

Alan

[Roy MM]

Older than me that letter.

[BBKing]

And has had 'Sky', 'BT' and for all I know, 'Telewest' inserted in it. It brought a smile to my face, once, but after getting five in under an hour from my lazy underemployed mates it sort of got tiring.

[Dupre]

If true, that guy needs some prozak, coz he got problems.

[tomw]

On the same note there was an email doing the rounds of a BT man trying to sell a customer something and the bloke goes nuts does anybody know where to get a copy

probably to be found on google somewhere.

[carlingman]

Originally posted by tomw
On the same note there was an email doing the rounds of a BT man trying to sell a customer something and the bloke goes nuts does anybody know where to get a copy

Not sure whether it was in email format as well..

There was one though where BT rang a customer up after several complaints about him being abusive so they ring him up to see if he is happy with BTs services etc and he goes right off on one.

Link here

Found about half way down under British Telecom.

Warning though contains very strong language.

[tomw]

Thats the one absolute classic
Cheers

[andygrif]

Originally posted by Russ D
That one's been doing the rounds for yonks now....

But it never fails to entertain in a deliciously humourous encapsulation of many's feelings [sic]

Andygrif (aka Brian Sewell)

[Mick]

A classic letter...